


Saudade

by matrixaffiliate



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2019-06-30 23:01:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 22,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15761505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matrixaffiliate/pseuds/matrixaffiliate
Summary: Saudade – (Portuguese) a feeling of longing, melancholy, or nostalgia. This is a collection of Sirius Black and Marlene McKinnon one-shots, in no particular order. Mauraders Era. Sirius/Marlene. Rated T. Multiple one-shots. In Progress. Everything belongs to JKR.





	1. Salvaged

**A/N: We begin, at the end.**

It was tempting to fall into blissful insanity. Merlin knows it would have been the easy option. But her face would surface in his memory every time he started to walk down that path. Each time he began to give in to the guilt, the pain, the agony he felt at losing everything, her face was there and for whatever reason, he'd pull himself out again.

The Dementors would pull all the chaos in him to the surface and at first, he desperately wanted to descend into the madness, the madness would at least keep his conscious from constantly repeating that it was his fault; but then her face would be there and he couldn't do it. He couldn't seem to get past her; she blocked that road to blissful insanity, and for the first few months, he hated her for it. Hadn't he suffered enough? Couldn't she see that he was useless, just as he'd been told countless times growing up? There was no reason for him to continue existing, and since they'd just thrown him in here, he might as well let his mind go off the deep end; his body could sit here and rot now.

But she would simply smile at him, blocking his path to oblivion. After a while, he became resigned to it. The madness would pull and her face would appear. She never said anything, just smiled that damned beautiful smile at him. He'd scream at her, tell her he hated her, that he needed this, and all the while she'd smile at him. At some point, the anger faded and he came to expect her anytime the madness beckoned him. Sometimes he'd break down and weep at her image blazed upon his brain. Other times he'd simply talk at her about how crazy this all ended up being. They'd won, but he definitely didn't feel like a war hero. No. He felt shattered.

He couldn't tell you when it happened, but at some point, the madness stopped pulling at him. That was when she started to fade away. He could still pull her memory forward, just as he could with James and Lily. But she went back to being a part of him. He still missed her, still thought of her daily, but as the threat of insanity eased away, so did her constant presence. That was when it became, well, boring.

Azkaban still had its horrors, but even the screams of other prisoners started to fade into background noise. At a certain point, the dementors even began to sense his boredom and only came to torment him when the requirements were set. Merlin, what he wouldn't have given for a fucking radio? The best days were when a wizard would leave a copy of the Prophet and he'd snatch it. He'd rather taken a liking to the crossword puzzles in the back. He'd smile thinking about her and Lily doing the puzzles back when they were all living together in the flat before everything started to spiral out of control. She'd be impressed at how good he'd become at them.

He'd found a level of normal within the nightmare of his life, resigned to rotting away in Azkaban but managing to keep sane, if bored. He didn't really feel alive, but he at least felt. He'd only wanted the crossword puzzle the day Fudge walked in, Merlin it had been ages since he'd been able to do one, but he got the whole paper. That was when life came back to him, granted in the form of rage, but it was enough. The realization that Wormtail was in the same building as his godson sent his blood boiling. The bloodlust he felt when he realized Peter was the traitor all those years ago came back as palatable as it had been the day he went to kill the rat.

Getting out was easy once he really put some thought into it, and while the swim was exhausting, not to mention fucking cold, it was exhilarating to be out again. His main goal was Harry, but since she was on the way, he spent the night there, curled by her gravestone.

"Thank you," He thought as the morning sunlight lit her name and he stretched, standing to keep moving towards Harry, "For everything."

He looked once more at the spot she had laid for the past 12 years, smiling at the name of the woman he loved all those years ago. It had been her, or her memory, that had saved him, kept him from going insane. She'd been the reason all those years ago as well. And as he set off into the dawn, he knew she always would be.


	2. Fall

Marlene watched Sirius walk into the common room and smiled covertly. Merlin she was screwed - both literally and figuratively in this case. He was just supposed to be another shag, but there was something about that first time that grabbed her and wouldn't let go. Sirius was different than every other guy, he fought with her, he engaged in the power struggle, even in the sac, and it was something she'd never experienced before. It was why she had told him she'd be up for another shag after their initial time. Sirius had brought everything, not just sex, to a higher level for Marlene, and she was hooked.

That had been months ago, and Marlene really felt nothing but intrigue at that point, but now, now she knew she was getting attached. She couldn't stop herself. She knew she was probably being schemed, but Marlene couldn't stomach stopping it. She was at the point where being a go-to shag was much better than not being with him, not feeling him. It was more than a curiosity at this point, it was addictive, and she couldn't stop it.

It didn't help that Lily kept feeding her bits of hope. Apparently, Sirius hadn't shagged anyone but her since their first time together, according to what James had told Lily on a patrol. Marlene hoped that was true because it was true for her, she'd admitted that to Lily weeks ago.

The hardest part was there was a piece of her that was still a mild romantic. Marlene hated that part of herself; she hated the girls that got all doe-eyed and sappy about a boy, and Marlene McKinnon was not one of those girls. A shag was a shag, a snog was a snog, and she didn't do relationships - too much drama. But that small part of herself still wished to simply curl up next to Sirius by the fire. To have him run his hands through her hair just because he wanted too, not only to get her to breathlessly cry out his name. To hold his hand in the Great Hall, not just move his hands to the spot she wanted in the moment. To fall asleep next to him, not just shag and leave each other. But Marlene pushed all that away every time it surfaced. Thankfully, the sex usually helped with that.

Marlene pushed it all away again as Sirius caught her eye and winked, walking towards her.

And this is how the mighty Marlene McKinnon falls, she thought, to the tune of a wild boy and his smirk.

* * *

 

Sirius walked into the common room and his eyes immediately sought out Marlene, they always did now, he's kind of used to it. She was on the far end of the room near the stairs to the boys' dorms, her black leather jacket - not unlike his own - draped over her shoulders. His heart races when he sees her, it has since the first time they hooked up. And part of him hates it. But the hold she has over him is intoxicating and he has to keep going back. She's better than alcohol, and she calms him in ways a cigarette never can. Granted he hadn't needed a smoke nearly as often now that he's been living with the Potter's. Still, it was even less since he started shagging Marls.

Sirius tried not to think about what was happening with him and Marls, and just focus on keeping it going. She was different than all the other girls, she fought him instead of simply going along with what he wanted, made him work for it when they were shagging, and she was just so chill about everything else. She didn't try to be possessive of him, didn't try and guilt him into a relationship, she asked for a lay now and again, and he asked her just as often - probably more he had to admit - but not once did he feel like she was so attached that he needed to shake her, in fact he didn't really think she was attached at all.

That was the weirdest part; it was almost like Marlene was the female version of him. He'd dreamed of it, finding a girl who would be an amazing shag, but noncommittal, and willing to just let it be sex, but now that he had found her, Sirius was... addicted? Yes, addicted was the right word. He wasn't getting attached, Sirius Black didn't get attached to birds, but he was definitely addicted to Marlene.

He couldn't stop himself, every time he walked into a room he looked for her. If Sirius was one to wax poetic, which he wasn't he reminded himself, he'd say that Marlene was the guiding light that kept him forever following the path she lit, but waxing poetic over a girl was for saps and pussies, not for Sirius Black.

And in reality, Sirius had to work hard to keep his cool and carefree exterior around Marlene, because he couldn't live thinking that she only saw him as a good shag. And he would completely deny that he clung to the comment James made while they had been with Moony in the hospital wing - that Lily had asked Marlene about it and Marls admitted Sirius had been her only shag since the first time they hooked up; she had been his only shag since then at least.

Sirius decided he needed to hold her tonight, he knew she wouldn't stay - neither of them ever did, but those few moments after everything when he'd nonchalantly wrap his arms around her and just breath her in were quickly becoming part if his lifeblood.

He caught Marls' eye and winked at her, walking towards her to suggest they steal to his dorm later.

So this is how the mighty Sirius Black falls, he thought as he walked to her with a smirk plastered on his face, to the tune of a bad girl's charm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on my FFN account on 4-19-18.


	3. Adroit

Sirius watched as Marlene attempted to chop the vegetables for Lily's soup. She'd nearly cut herself a dozen times already, and as she came dangerously close to shaving off her knuckle, he decided to put a stop to it and grabbed Marlene's wand.

"Here," he shoved the handle at her.

"What?" She shot back defiantly. "I can cut food the muggle way!"

"But not well," Sirius smirked, "Just enchant the knife and then you can stop trying to dismember yourself."

"I thought you were my boyfriend, and boyfriends are supposed to be **nice**." Marlene glared at him.

"I am. But it is my duty, as your boyfriend, to tell you that you suck at this, and to make sure you don't go cutting off your bloody hand." He pushed her wand into her hand.

"Fine!" Marlene growled, enchanting the knife which made quick work of the remaining ingredients.

"Honestly, you guys wouldn't last two seconds without magic would you?" Lily commented as she used her want to turn the page of her cookbook.

Sirius and Marlene looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"Nope," Sirius managed to choke out, "I reckon we wouldn't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on my FFN account on 4-28-18.


	4. Stay

They've stopped caring about her being gone before the guys come back in at midnight. She leaves when she's ready, and the rest of the boys have just accepted it, as long as the two don't forget silencing charms and to keep the curtains pulled. Sirius is drifting off to sleep, his arms wrapped tightly around Marlene, when he feels her shift, sitting up to leave. He lets go as she finds her knickers, slipping them back on. Her golden curls are tousled and tangled, her red lipstick long gone. She's intoxicating, addicting, and before he realizes it, the whispered word escapes his throat.

"Stay."

She freezes and Sirius silently curses himself. Why does she do this to him? Why does she matter when no other girl does? Why can she make him do these things?

"Is that a good idea?" Marlene asks, the dark and her hair hiding her face from him, her voice not quite sarcastic.

"Nothing I do is a good idea, Marls."

She chuckles and reaches to the floor for more clothing. Sirius thinks she's still leaving until he sees it's his shirt she's pulling over her head and she lays back down.

"If you snore I'll leave." She threatens, sliding against him once again.

Sirius simultaneously loves and curses the feeling he gets when she's back in his embrace. She shouldn't be able to do this to him, no one should.

"If you snore I'll toss you out in the hall." He chuckles, burying his face in her hair.

She laughs quietly, running her black nails along his skin. They grow quiet, slowly falling asleep, and Sirius is right on the verge of completely passing into his dreams when he thinks he hears Marlene whisper sadly.

"Why do I care about you so much?"

But then he's asleep and in the morning, he'll tell himself he dreamed it, because no one really cares about him, let alone the one girl that matters, the one girl that has more power over him than anyone else.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on my FFN account on 4-28-18.


	5. Querencia

He knew it was coming, Marlene's face was perfectly composed and she looked like those porcelain dolls. It was a dangerous look to only the people who knew her, and Sirius knew Marlene better than anyone. She may look in control, but when she took on that look, she was livid, today Sirius was lucky - or unlucky - enough to know exactly why.

They'd been in a tight situation, and since all the Death Eaters who had been on their trail were family members, Sirius decided to be the diversion. Granted he didn't exactly explain that to Marls and Fabian and Benjy, he just told them to get out and then went running into the fire, so to speak. But it worked, and they all made it back to headquarters alright, he was only about five minutes behind them.

But when he walked in the door, Fabian's tongue lashing was nothing compared to Marls beautiful face. Merlin, he was going to get it.

After the debrief, Marlene took his hand and he knew what was coming. Once outside she apparated them someplace private where she could scream. What surprised him was the place she chose this time. It was one of their favorite spots to take the bike and then enjoy being in the middle of nowhere, where nobody could accidentally find them in less than proper positions.

"Wait, why are we here? This isn't a scream at me in the bad way place."

She runs her hand up into her hair and her face breaks into an angry scowl - in that beautiful way that makes Sirius weak in the knees.

"Right now, I don't know if I want to kiss you or shove you off a bridge." She growls at him, wand gripped tightly in her fist.

"Can I pick?" Sirius chuckles.

"No!" She screams, "Damn, Sirius do have any idea how fucking scared I was when you jumped in front of those Death Eaters? All of them Blacks no less! I get it, we're ok dying in this war, but do you really have to try and die on missions?"

"Hey," Sirius starts cautiously, "I know my family, and I knew that the site of just me would enrage them. They stopped thinking and coordinating because they all just wanted to kill me. They became incredibly sloppy really, and it made it so you guys made it out safe and so did I."

He can tell she's still mad, but he can also see that she can't fault his logic. "I just hate how much it scared me!" She screams.

"And I hated having to scare you!" Sirius yells back. "It fucking sucked realizing that telling you to go could have been the last thing I ever said to you! Merlin Marls! It isn't like I got some sort of kick off it!"

"Then why did you do it?!?" She screeches at him.

"Because I love you Marls!" He storms, "Because if I can save you I'm going to fucking do everything in my power to do it!" He's breathing heavily and his fists are clenched, but he can't tear his eyes off of Marlene's beautiful angry face.

"Fuck it," and he closes the distance between them, kissing her hard.

"So you're scared, not actually angry?" He asks against her lips.

"I guess so, yeah." She sighs as he runs his hands through her hair.

"Then can we comfort each other instead of yelling?" Sirius murmurs against her neck.

"I still want to talk about this," Marls sighs, running her hands under his shirt.

"Later," he whispers, his hand sliding up her shirt.

Her answer is a wanton sigh and a hand slipped below the waistband of his jeans.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on my FFN account on 5-4-18.


	6. Infernal

It had started with a comment from Mary, one of Marlene's dorm mates, that Marlene and Sirius had been spending a lot of their nights together. Sirius had blown it off, so they were lazy, big deal. But the rest of the school decided it meant something, and all of the sudden he and Marls were the targets of a lot of varied reactions. From random high fives to glares there were a lot of kids who felt that whatever was going on between the two included them and it had started to strain the arrangement Sirius and Marlene had. They'd both began avoiding each other and only talking when necessary in classes.

Sirius hated it, and his stress manifested itself in irritation. He snapped at everything now, and even James had started to give him his space. It got to its worst when he accidentally bumped Marls in the hall.

"Watch it, twat!" She glared at him.

"Go to hell, McKinnon!" He spat back.

"Why so you'll have someone to fuck you there? Fat chance prick!" Marlene screeched.

That had been it. He could see the tears pricking her eyes, Marls stormy blue eyes that never cried, and that did it. Sirius was done. He didn't even respond, just left her glaring at him.

He went to his dorm and grabbed his cigarettes then went out into the cold November air and lit up. He was out there for hours, dragging out each fag for as long as it would go. It's dark and he only has one left, its lit end his only light, and Sirius wonders if the kitchens have fire whiskey on hand or not. That's when he hears footsteps.

"What the hell are you're doing out here!? It's freezing!" Marlene's voice sounds.

Sirius doesn't even bother looking up, "Why do you care?"

"I ask myself the same fucking question every damn day, and I still don't have an answer." Marlene huffs.

"You don't have to flatter me." Sirius takes another drag. "I don't expect you to care."

She slides her back down the wall to sit next to him and grabs the fag from his hand. "Well I do, you git," and she takes a long drag before handing it back.

"So where does that leave us?" Sirius looks up into the cloudy night sky and wishes the stars were out instead.

"I don't know," Marlene sighs and lays her head on Sirius' shoulder.

It's quiet and they let it be quiet for a long time before Sirius finally speaks. "Let's leave, we'll go get my bike from Dad and we'll just leave these arse wipes behind forever."

"I wish it was back to before everyone started acting like our lives were their business." Marls steals another drag. "Merlin, I've missed you."

"Then let's go," Sirius repeats. "Let's just leave these fuckers and go."

"Sirius, what about James? Remus? Peter? Are you willing to leave them too?" Marlene sighs taking his arm and pulling it around her shoulders as she shivers in the cold.

Sirius huffs, but almost instinctively pulls her close to him. "No, I suppose not."

"Can we agree that this all went wrong when everyone started sticking their noses in our arrangements?" She asks.

Sirius thinks for a moment before nodding, "Yeah things were fine until the fucking student body fucking shoved their heads in."

"Then let's fucking shove then back out. Since when do Sirius Black and Marlene McKinnon take shit from anyone? I say it's time we show them exactly whom they're screwing with." She steals his fag and finishes it off before throwing the butt into the gravel, enveloping them in the cold night. "What do you say, Black?"

Sirius grins down at her, "I say we show them what happens when you piss off the King and Queen of Hell." And then he kisses her with all the emotion that's been built up over these weeks of anger and separation. She's warm and cold all at once; she tastes like cigarette smoke and honey and her cold fingers run through his hair as his hand grips her inner thigh.

"Come on," he whispers against her lips, "I can keep you a lot warmer if we're sans-clothes."

"Prove it," she whispers as her teeth find his neck.

"You really want to fuck out here in the cold?" Sirius laughs for what feels like the first time in ages.

Marlene slides her hand up his leg, "Are we not the Kind and Queen of Hell? What's a little cold?"

"As long as we aren't sleeping out here I'm game for anything," Sirius chuckles as he runs a hand up her chest.

In the morning Marlene is curled against his chest in his bed, and he feels right for the first time in weeks.

The rumor mill picks up again but this time he's ready and so is Marlene. They have a lot more detentions now; the best was one idiot that they got simultaneously, which ended up with a very ill Slytherin and a week's detention for the two of them. It only takes a few examples like that before the King and Queen of Hell have their thrones back and the rumor mill moves on to less dangerous topics, like when James and Lily will finally get together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on my FFN account on 5-16-18.


	7. Rue

Sometimes memories are the worst form of torture. Sometimes your own head can drive you mad better than a prison run by dementors.

He'd managed alright in Azkaban; he'd been able to live well enough. The true torture there had been boredom, sure the dementors were no walk in the park, but they'd caught onto his boredom and for whatever reason that seemed to put them off. But here, locked in his parents' home, where everything reminded him of his past, where the damned elf still was, and that blasted painting of his hag of a mother screeched at him as if she weren't six feet under where she belonged and was, this was the real torture. This was driving him mad. This was asking too much.

Sure, he ate regularly now and slept in a warm bed and wore proper clothes, but part of Sirius longed for the caverns again. He missed the freedom, feeling like he had control again for one damned second. Here he was trapped, and Dumbledore made sure if it.

"What can I do to help?" He pulled him aside one day shortly after they'd set up headquarters.

"The most important thing you can do is stay alive. Harry is very attached to you. Your existence and support help him greatly so keeping you safe helps to keep him safe too." Dumbledore stared at him gravely, and Sirius knew his fate had been sealed. He was effectively under house arrest, and Dumbledore had used something better than any lock and key, he'd used his godson.

Sirius resented that, but he knew Dumbledore wasn't wrong. There was so much of James in Harry that it's a wonder the boy made it this far. And so for Harry, Sirius was slowly going mad as the memories blew around him like a blizzard each day. First, it was every damned second of his childhood, every lashing, every cruel word, and the moment he realized that Reg had chosen them over him, that one hung around for weeks. Then the day he left, and how he was shocked at how much it hurt to have his picture blasted from the tapestry.

Now, at nearly 40-years-old, he can see it was the desire to truly belong, to feel a part of a family, to have a home. And it's a hard realization that he even felt on the outside a small bit with the Potter's. He constantly worried that they looked upon him as a burden, that the only reason they helped him was that James wouldn't stop pestering them.

But thinking about that only leads to worse thoughts, like how he's only felt he belonged at one point in his life. That fighting alongside her, holding her in his arms, sharing everything with her, that was home. Home was her stormy blue eyes and blonde curls. Home was seeing the promise ring on her hand. Home was falling into bed with her after a stressful mission and losing himself in her. Home was her smile and laugh when he'd goof around. Home was her "fuck you" attitude to anyone who thought she was out of place in a war. Home was her voice whispering I love you in the night as they cling to each other. But she was gone, and so was any hope of home.

When his mind began to torment him with those memories, Sirius began going stir crazy. He had reached out by giving Harry James’ mirror, but he never used it, never answered, probably trying to protect him. Sirius had to laugh at how much Harry was like Lily some days, but it wasn’t much consolation as his mind began to slip. He went from snippy and melodramatic to depressed and reserved. To many in the Order it as an improvement, but Remus, good 'ol Moony, saw the warning signs and was suddenly at headquarters pretty much whenever he had time, and being an unemployed werewolf that meant a lot. It helped to have Moony there to reminisce about the good times, to keep him away from Kreacher, to help him talk and get out of his head. But late one night, his mind made the fatal and final jump. A nightmare and a memory all the up in one horrible and haunting package, he awoke shaking and sweating as the image of her lifeless in his arms was burned to his eyelids.  She was everywhere now; his mind found her in his old room, in the kitchen, in the dining room, in the sitting room, nowhere was safe.

That was the beginning of the end, and Sirius felt himself slipping into madness at a faster rate after that. Perhaps that's why when they got word that Harry had run off to the Ministry he insisted he come along. Maybe that's why he hadn't just grabbed Harry and got out. He was craving freedom, and just as it had been when he'd lost Marlene all those years ago, he sought freedom in death.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on my FFN account on 6-1-18.


	8. Inhibit

Sirius checked his watch again and looked out the window of their flat.

"Pads, come and eat something, I'm sure she's fine. She's with Pete and Benjy and Kingsley, and if I'm honest, Marlene's one woman I never want to be on the wrong side of her wand." Remus chuckled at the small smirk he earned from Sirius. "See, everything is going to be fine. They'll be fine."

Sirius heard him, and Merlin he wanted to believe him, Remus was his first real rock, but they were two hours past when they thought they'd get home. And he knew Peter would die for anyone in their group, including Marls, which only made it harder. He couldn't stand the thought of losing her but losing both her and Pete, well he just set that thought as far away as he possibly could. He needed to believe Moony right now, he needed them to be fine.

Remus finally convinced him to eat something and sit down on the couch, but Sirius kept checking his watch every minute as if looking at the time more frequently would make it pass faster. Of course, it had the opposite effect.

Finally, Remus took his watch from him, but there was still the clock on the wall and Sirius took to staring at, watching the second hand tick tick tick around the face.

"Does she know how much you love her?" Remus asked quietly.

Sirius jumped at his voice, he'd been so caught up in the ticking of the clock that he forgot Remus was there. Usually, Sirius tried to avoid these conversations, but Remus is different, he can be open with Remus. "I've done my best to make sure she does. I've told her a million times, showing her in every way I can think of, so Merlin I hope she knows."

Remus hummed his response, and Sirius finally takes a minute to pull his head out of his own issues - yes he is fucking capable of it thank you very much.

"What's this about Moony?"

Remus was quiet for a long while and Sirius half thought he would walk away, but finally, he spoke.

"I guess, just seeing you with Marlene at this level, it's, well it's opened up a lot of feelings that I locked away. After our fling, and this had nothing to do with you, but after we decided to stop fooling around and keep things as friends, I kind of felt that it was the end of the road for me. I was 15 and your dramatics had rubbed off on me for good measure. I figured that unless I found another animagus that was willing to deal with a fucking werewolf, I was out of the game."

"Moony, I never -"

Remus held up his hand and cut Sirius off, "Hey let me finish would ya?"

Sirius smirked but nodded him on.

"Well I thought it was over, but you know, seeing how much you and Marls have changed to help each other and become better while still being the charming no fuck idiots you've always been, it's sort of helped me to feel like maybe, maybe I could find someone. That new potion Lily is brewing for me has been amazing! I'm still shite the day of the full moon and barely able to function just before and for a bit after, but I think that maybe, maybe there's hope yet."

Sirius draped an arm around Remus' shoulders and pulled him into him, "Of course there's hope you self-pitying twat! Any bloke or broad that turns you down is a right lunatic."

Remus chuckled and smiled at his friend, "Well, I don't think that running from a monster makes you a lunatic."

"Rems, stop." Sirius turned to look down at him, "You aren't a monster, promise me you won't ever let that hold you back from being happy. Promise."

Remus sighed and nodded mutely, but before Sirius could press him further the front door pushed open and Peter walked in.

Sirius jumped to his feet, "Where's Marls, Pete?" He said as he wrapped him in a quick hug.

Peter sighed, looking worn beyond belief, "She's on her way. We're leaving HQ staggered now to help with not drawing attention to ourselves. She'll be along in five minutes."

Sirius visibly relaxed, and Remus chuckled quietly. "Can I get you some tea, Pete? Maybe a sandwich?"

"Merlin, Moony you're the best, but no thanks. I'm going to go pass out for the next week. Wake me if I start to sleep into next month. Mum will kill me if I sleep through her birthday."

Remus laughed as Peter walked to his bedroom, "You got it, Wormy."

Sirius stood at the front door, and Remus wondered if he was counting down the seconds. Smiling at his oldest and definitely his dearest friend he walked over and put a hand on his shoulder. "Thank you, for always being my biggest advocate, even against myself."

Sirius smiled and wrapped him in a hug, "You deserve the absolute best, Rems, and that includes being happy."

"Tell Marls hi when you're done sticking your tongue down her throat. I'm going to turn in now that we know everyone is all right."

"Sleep well, and Rems," Remus turned to look back at Sirius, "I mean it. Don't ever let anything stand in the way of you being happy - including yourself."

Remus just nods, and Sirius looks like he's going to press the issue but the door opens and it's a whirlwind of black and gold hair as Marlene jumps into his arms and Sirius clings to her like his life depends on it and her nails are digging into his back with a force that makes Remus both wince and melt. Because when he sees them he sees that people can become so much for each other; and for just a brief moment he thinks Sirius is right, and one day he could find someone to become more for, who would want to become more for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on my FFN account on 6-27-18.


	9. Smolder

He couldn't handle it, being in there with all her things, their things. Their room, now just his, was an ever-present reminder of what he'd lost. Everything was exactly as they'd left it the night she...the night she...the night everything changed.

Their bed remained unmade, and he hadn't been able to lay there in the weeks that followed her death. He'd only been in their room long enough to grab clothes. Even those few moments threatened to overwhelm him; just the five fucking steps to his drawers would have him hyperventilating, his chest imploding on itself, the tears pricking his eyes, his mind screaming that he can't let her go, and he'd practically fall back out to the safety of the hall, to where it was easier to think that she might come back, she _might_ walk through the door, he _might_ have dreamed holding her lifeless form, that this reality was _just_ a nightmare, that he could wake up on that damned bed with his arms wrapped around her and hear the sound of her breathing, the sound of life pulsing through her body.

But she wasn't coming back and no matter how hard he tried, Sirius couldn't get her out of his mind. He felt awful about it, trying to block himself off to her memory, but he couldn't function when everything reminded him that she was gone. He figured out early on that sleep was not an option, sleep brought her back and when he woke he'd be grasping at the wisps of his dreams. Even reliving that night was better than waking and remembering it had actually happened, at least in the dream he was holding her.

"Do you sleep anymore?" Moony asked with concern one morning as he stumbled in the door after a mission that ran through the night.

"I scheduled a nap for a week from next Tuesday," Sirius' laugh was hollow as he tried to diffuse the reality of the situation with humor, the last defense of a broken man.

Remus crossed the room and wrapped Sirius in a hug, "It's ok to mourn," He whispered.

Sirius didn't return the hug, he couldn't. Returning that hug would break him. Doing anything that let him feel would break him and Sirius knew he'd never be able to put those pieces of himself back together.

"I know Moony." Sirius gave him a forced smile and grabbed his leather jacket from the couch. "I'm going to go have a smoke."

Remus watched him carefully, "You and Marls quit that over a year ago."

Sirius shrugged and turned toward the door, "Guess I haven't quite kicked it."

He leaned against the back wall of their building and tried to not feel anything as he let the cigarette burn out in his hand. Sirius hated how it tasted like her in his mouth; he couldn't even smoke without teetering on the precipice of black despair. He tried to block out the memory of pushing her up against this very wall, the way she swore at him every time he got the upper hand on her, the way she cried out his name. He tried, but the harder he tried the more the memories screamed at him within his mind. Louder, _louder_ , **louder** , and Sirius collapsed, letting the screaming start. His hands went into his hair, pulling on it harder than Marlene ever had, desperately trying to pull her memory out of him. The sound was deafening, his screams, her memory, the world compressing on top of him. He had dropped the burning cigarette, setting fire to the short blades of grass. The small blaze caught his attention and Sirius briefly considered if the feeling of burning would be enough to quiet the cacophony banging inside his head.

Then the blaze was gone, only smoking embers remaining, and Remus was lifting him off the ground to sitting; Sirius no longer heard his own voice, he must have stopped screaming, but when or how he didn't know. His whole body shook under his weight and Sirius wanted nothing more than for it to end, to stop feeling, to forget. But he couldn't, and he knew he couldn't. She was a part of him, part of the very blood that kept his heart beating, and he would forever feel her running through his veins, he would only be free when his heart stopped pumping her through him.

Remus supported him as they walked back up the stairs to the flat, handed him a cuppa with a shot of fire whiskey, and sat next to him on the couch. Sirius knew he should feel grateful, that he should have thanked Remus and assured him all would be well. But Sirius couldn't be damned to give a fuck right then. So they sat there in silence as Sirius let his tea grow cold, unable to stand how the fire whiskey burned almost as much as she did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on my FFN account on 7-4-18.


	10. Embody

"Lie to me," She whispered breathlessly as he kissed her neck.

Sirius hummed his confusion as he brought his face up to behind her ear.

"Lie to me," Marlene leaned into him, "tell me I'm the only one."

Sirius traced his fingers along her chest, smug about the shiver it sent through her body. "I won't lie to you, Marls."

"I suppose that's something," she chuckled and turned to kiss him, her hands sliding down his chest.

* * *

"Lie to me," Sirius growled as he pushed her against the broom closet wall.

Marlene's nails dug into his skin as he hoisted her higher. "I won't lie to you, Sirius."

"That's something," he murmured as he bit down on her neck.

* * *

"Lie to me," Marlene's tone was almost sarcastic as she walked to the door of his dorm.

"I won't lie to you," Sirius said as he pulled his sweats on and avoided her gaze.

"There's always that," she smirked at him and shut the door behind her.

* * *

"Lie to me," Sirius hissed as they walked out of DADA. They'd been split into assigned groups, and Sirius could have killed Smith for the way he leered at Marlene.

Marlene studied him for a moment before reaching down and taking his hand. "I won't lie to you."

Sirius looked down at their hands, slightly confused by the feeling it gave him, but he looked up at Marls and smiled, "I'll take that."

He didn't release her hand.

* * *

"Lie to me!" Marlene screamed at him, the anger coursing through her.

Sirius almost said it, almost told her the truth, but then her ice blue eyes found his clouded gray ones and he lost his nerve, closing the distance between them and kissing her instead.

"I won't lie to you," he pulled her closer, his hands tracing her curves.

"Make that enough," she growled as her hands gripped his hair.

* * *

"Lie to me," Sirius murmured, running his hands through her blonde hair as she read on his lap.

Her answer was distracted as she continued reading, "I won't lie to you, love."

Sirius smirked and pulled her closer, "That's all I ask."

* * *

Marlene sat with her back against the astronomy tower, her breath materializing before her. Sirius walked quietly toward her spot, watching as she shivered. "Here," he threw her leather jacket at her.

"Thanks," her voice was quiet, almost hollow, as she slid into it.

Sirius sat down next to her and comfortably brought his arm around her shoulders.

"You are, you know?" He whispered, his face focused straight ahead, not daring to look at her.

"Don't lie to me, Sirius," Marlene sighed and hung her head, "not right now."

Sirius gave a frustrated sigh and guided her face back up to look at him. "I'll never lie to you, Marls."

Marlene's eyes bore into his, the rest of her face unreadable. "Say it again, then."

Sirius dropped his head, taking a deep breath before coming back to her gaze; of course, she'd make this harder than it needed to be. "You are the only one; you have been since you first asked me to lie to you."

Marlene's face took on a smile, a soft smile that lacked her normal walls that Sirius was used to seeing. It was missing the icy edge Marls usually had, and it took Sirius' breath away.

"You are too - since I first asked."

Sirius wasn't exactly sure what this feeling was that started to seep through him, beginning at his chest, but whatever it was, it was so perfectly Marls. It was like she was draining herself into him, like she would always be partially a part of him, and he wanted to do the same. He wanted to drain every drop of himself into her, become a part of her bloodstream, make it so no matter what he'd always be in her.

His lips found hers of their own accord, his hands roamed her body, he had to be as close to her as he could get, damn these clothes, damn these bodies, he needed more.!

Somehow they ended up in his bed, curtains pulled - though Sirius doesn't exactly remember the walk back. Somehow they ended up with their clothes on the floor - if he's honest Sirius definitely remembered that. And somehow they've ended up in each other's systems, somehow the connection is no longer just sex and motorcycles, somehow they're a part of each other's lifeblood, and Sirius doesn't understand what exactly is going on, or what this is even called, but he's not letting go. He can't live without her pumping through his veins, filling his lungs, and he can tell by the way she looks back into his eyes as she rests her forehead against his that she feels the same way. They're all that's real in this world and they're never going to walk away - they can't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on my FFN account on 7-7-18.


	11. Broken

He had broken pieces. His family had ensured it. He'd grown up in a toxic environment, been abused in every sense of the term, and it showed in some of his more erratic behavior. Sirius deliberately tried to sabotage himself, and when things got bad at home, he'd do his best to remove any reasons to keep existing.

Sirius admitted the fiasco their fifth year had happened because he was trying to find a way out, and if his friends hated him, well then nothing would be left right? But what could have torn them apart had, through a brief moment of honesty on Sirius' part, become the cement that glued the four together. Things improved, especially once he was at the Potter's, but the brokenness inside him still clattered when he moved, sharp shards still stabbed and sliced within, and Mia sadly told him that they probably always would - but she promised he'd start to learn which movements rattled too much, when he needed to slow down, and when he needed to reach out for help. "You'll learn how to be happy, even with these broken pieces," Sirius admitted sometimes her words seemed like wishful thinking.

Marlene had broken pieces, but she doesn't know how they got there. She lived a privileged and relatively perfect life, her family always loving and supportive, having her best welfare at heart. She was given so much and every advantage she could have in life. She's even happy most days. She has no reason for her brokenness.

But it always sits on the outskirts of her vision, threatening to envelop her. Marlene almost envies that Sirius at least has a reason for how much he spirals down into the abyss. She has no excuses, no reasons, and honestly, that makes it worse. When someone has a reason to be broken those around them tend to be more understanding. When you have no reasons, well you're just seeking attention or you're only having an off-day, right? So she doesn't tell anyone about the blackness that she carries, the abyss that she teeters on, and when she falls in she becomes a masquerade of herself. Externally doing everything she normally does, but internally she's screaming and falling and sobbing and wishing she could either escape for good or remain here permanently because back and forth is exhausting and the acting is exhausting and she's just so fucking done with it all.

Her mask was up when he sat next to her at dinner and she looked up giving him a well-practiced smile. But Sirius studied her, his eyes looking past the walls and Marlene pulled her eyes away, feeling the mask cracking.

He didn't say anything but when she went to leave he stood to follow, "Come on."

And then he had her hand and she was too much on autopilot to stop him before they were out the door.

"I'm kind of tired, Sirius. Can't this wait?" She could feel the mask cracking and she knew she needed to leave, to be alone, and soon.

"Bull shit," Sirius' expression was, well serious, and Marlene's stomach tightened because she couldn't figure out what he was going to do next, this was a side of Sirius she hadn't seen before.

They made it to the lake shore, the autumn evening starting to crisp around them when he pulled them to the ground. Sitting across from her he looked into her eyes again and Marlene immediately looked down.

"No," his voice was soft but very firm and Marls was momentarily scared when his hand came to her face. But his fingers caressed her cheek and pressed her chin up until her eyes were back on his.

She could feel the mask cracking, breaking, and she could hear it in her voice that she was going to lose, "Please, please don't."

But he continued to hold her gaze until the mask shattered, the pieces falling around her, and the tears started. Then he was holding her and it doesn't make anything better but at least she isn't trying to cry silently, at least she isn't hiding it, and even though she's sure he's going to tell her to buck it up because she has it better than him, than most everyone, at least for a few minutes it wasn't buried, at least for a few minutes she was able to be broken on the outside too.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled when the crying finally subsided.

"How long have you been dealing with this?" Sirius grabbed her hand.

"What do you mean? I'm just having an off day is all; I'm sorry for bothering you with it. I appreciate you letting me cry."

"Fuck, Marlene," he cut her off, "don't insult me with that bull shit. You're not having an off day; you've built yourself a fucking facade to wear around everyone. That's not something you figure out when you're having an off day, that's something you build up over the course of years. I should know!"

"Look, Black," her tone was anything but friendly, "I really appreciate you letting me cry on you, but it's just an off day."

"Then look at me," Sirius tugged her hand. "Look me right in the eye McKinnon."

She hadn't realized she'd been avoiding his gaze, had been looking anywhere but at him. She tried to steel herself, to put the mask back in place, but his eyes met hers and bore into her, a light into the blackness and she could feel the walls crumbling, the mask falling from her face, and she had to look away.

"Talk," Sirius pleaded.

"It's stupid, Sirius, really I just have these spells and I really shouldn't, I mean my life has been fine, I just..." She trailed off.

"Hey," he brought her face up to his, "it's ok, just talk to me."

"But it isn't ok, Sirius," Her frustration showing through. "I walk around with this blackness and there's no reason for it! It's just there and no one has ever done anything to me to put it there. And it sucks because everyone looks at me and says my life is fine, perfect even, which it is, and so I should be fine, and if I'm not then I'm ungrateful. So I've spent years building a fucking mask because I'm privileged so I'm not allowed to be broken." Her voice cracked again, but she shoved the tears back, angry that they kept returning.

"You've just as much right to be broken as anyone," Sirius growled, "and fuck everyone who says differently. You don't need a reason to be broken."

"That's easy for you to say," She doesn't mean to sound bitter, but the years of dealing with this have made her bitter. "You have a reason and so everyone supports you. If I tell someone I'm struggling it's a passing phase, a growing pain, something I'll get over, or worse a strategy to get attention. It's never the fact that I'm staring over the cliff into the blackness knowing I'm going to fall. It's never that I'm half-assing everything and no matter how many times I'm told I'm doing well, no matter how many O’s and E’s I get, it'll never be true because I know I'm not really putting forth all my effort. It's never that I'm fucking kicking myself for being broken because I shouldn't be, and how guilty it makes those I love feel when I do try to talk about it; like they could somehow fix me, that if they were somehow different I'd be happier. It's never my reality; it's always something to pass off or me being selfish, ingrate even. I'm not self-destructive so I'm fine. I'm not always in the abyss so I'm fine. I'm privileged so I'm fine. But, Merlin, I'm anything but fine!"

She was close to yelling at this point and her eyes found his as she tried to push the tears back again. His face was solemn, but he didn't look at her like everyone else did. He didn't look like he was trying to come up with a way to fix her or give her some speech, he looked relieved.

Sirius gave her a crooked smile, "Don't pretend around me. I mean this in the best way possible, Marls, but you have no idea how good it feels to know that someone can be like you and be broken too. That maybe I'm not as fucked up as I always thought I was."

Marlene's laugh was teary, "That or I'm just as fucked up as you are without the excuses."

"Fuck excuses," he pulled her to her feet, "we're going to grab some butterbeer from the kitchens and then we're going to toast to being broken because it's a part of who we are."

"You want to toast to the worst parts of ourselves?" Marlene's chuckle disappeared into the twilight as he pulled her back to the castle.

"I want to toast to owning them, to not pretending they aren't there," Sirius smiled down at her.

She wanted to say something snarky in response, to tell him he was being an idiot, but the way his eyes were shining light into the blackness enveloping her had her smiling back at him. He hadn't tried to fix her, he'd accepted her broken as she was. And maybe that was what she really needed, someone to let her be broken, someone who would wait with her until she could pull out of the darkness, someone who accepted that this was a part of her and she was still learning how to handle it, someone who was broken too.

"To being broken then," Marlene smiled and she opened the door to the castle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on my FFN account on 7-17-18.


	12. Grit

Sirius pressed his back against the back brick wall of their building and tried to breathe through the knot in his stomach. 

"Hey," he heard her voice as she approached him. He shouldn't be surprised she had known where to find him. He didn't respond as she slid up next to him. She'd showered already, she didn't smell like singed fabric anymore, and her gold curls shimmered wetly in the early morning light. They were silent for a long time, backs pressed against the brick wall, leather jackets draped over their shoulders, the morning sun slowly pushing higher into the sky. It was almost picturesque if Sirius was honest about it. But he wasn't sure he could handle picturesque right now. 

"You know, we could go for a fly or something if this isn't helping." Marlene's voice was calm, but her fingers trembled as she ran them down the back of his hand. Sirius grabbed her hand threading his fingers through hers, willing them to be still. It wasn't fair that someone as lovely as she had to have demons as dark as his. 

"Am I a coward?" His voice was quiet, hollow, and Sirius wondered if it had really come from his own body when he heard it.

Marlene squeezed his hand in hers, "No."

Sirius let the silence hang, running his thumb along the back of her hand.

"I think I might be," his voice was barely a whisper, and he wondered if Marlene had heard him at all. 

Then she tugged his arm and pulled him to the ground with her, before turning to face him.

"Why?" 

It was a simple question really, but it felt like a stunning spell to the chest. Marls and James, of everyone Sirius knew, these two always knew how to cut his melodramatics out of the way and strip him down to who he really was.  
He dropped her gaze. He was too ashamed to hold it. "I'm afraid. Every mission, Merlin just every fucking day, Marls, I'm scared to death. I want to get on my bike and leave. I want to run. I want to leave and never, ever look back."

Marlene was quiet, but she still hadn't released his hand. "Then why don't you? Why don't you run?"

Sirius fought the lump in his throat, pushing it back down to join the twisted knot his stomach had become and the dull ache in his chest that when it flared made him fight to keep from doubling over.

"I can't," He choked out, "I can't leave you, or James and Lily, or Remus, or Peter, or Fab and Gid, or any of them."

Marlene ran a soothing hand along his cheek, "What if we followed you? Would you run then?"

Sirius leaned into her touch, trying to calm his panicked heartbeat. "No, I can't let them win. They can't do this. It's wrong. I'll die before I walk away."

"Sirius," his name on her lips was like water in the desert, and he finally looked up at her. Her ice blue eyes bore into his with a level of compassion and love he knew was reserved only for him.

"Sirius, that's why you aren't a coward, we're all afraid; we just refuse to let it stop us."

Sirius nodded but the ache in his chest started to flare again and he fought to push it away. His face must have given him away because Marlene scooted forward and wrapped her arms around him. Sirius buried his head in her shoulder, breathing her in, and failing to keep the tears at bay. 

"I don't know how long I can live like this." 

"I don't know how long I can either," She pulled him closer, "But we just keep going one day at a time."

Sirius clung to her; it was all he could do. She was real, safe, and right now she was stronger than he was, so he clung to her strength, to her commitment, to her. 

"James told me that he forces himself to think about what he's going to do when we win this war." Her voice cracked as she whispered. "When it gets hard, I think about that trip we talked about when we were in school. I think about flying and driving your bike all over the world with you, seeing every good and beautiful thing this world has to offer because we've seen so much evil, being carefree and alive with your arms wrapped around me, watching the sunrise on beaches and watching it set on mountain tops." She drew in a shuddering breath, wiping tears from her face. "It helps, to remember there's a life to live when this is over."

Sirius pulled back and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. "What if we don't have a life to live after this?"

Marls sighed, "Then this is just the hope that gets us through to tomorrow. We don't know what will happen, but we need something to make it from day to day or we'll be consumed in our own despair."

Sirius brought his hand to her cheek and Marlene leaned into it. His eyes searched hers, his face concentrated before he took a deep breath. "We're going to fly someplace sunny first, maybe Barcelona or Marseille or Crete. I want to spend the first part of our trip someplace sunny and warm. I want to be someplace where I can start to forget the darkness."

Marlene smiled up at him with bright eyes, "I've always wanted to see those places."

Her whole demeanor had changed, the tone of her voice was more upbeat, her face was bright, and her eyes, Merlin, Sirius was going to get lost in those eyes. And with how stressful the mission had been, with how emotionally exhausting this conversation had been, with how she was looking at him like he'd somehow - impossibly - made her life better, Sirius leaned forward and kissed her.

Marlene threaded her fingers into his hair, her nails grazing along his scalp. He leaned back into the dirt and grass below them, pulling her over him as he deepened the kiss.

"Tell me where you want to go," he whispered in her ear, hands trailing down her sides.

She moaned as he moved his lips to her neck. "Italy," she sighed.

Sirius ran his teeth along her neck, "Where in Italy?" His voice vibrating against her skin, making her arch into him.

"Florence," she gasped as he bit down. Sirius smirked against her skin.

"Where do you want to go?" She pushed her hands under his shirt and ran her nails along his chest, causing him to shiver under her, before digging her nails into his skin and making him growl into her ear.

"I want to get as far away from here as possible." He pushed her shirt up and pressed his fingers into her sides.

Marlene moaned into his mouth and started pecking kisses along his neck and jaw. "So, Argentina? Or Thailand? Or South Africa? Or..." Sirius cut her off and pulled her lips back to his. He'd answer her question later; after he was finished focusing on how good it felt to have her curves pressed against his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on my FFN account on 8-11-18.


	13. Brazen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found this on Tumblr and it gave me an idea I had to do a chapter for it! Plus, this collection needs a few fluffy moments. :) http://padfootinblack.tumblr.com/post/91735476693/one-of-the-last-happy-blackinnon-moments-1979

Sirius sipped his tea while he read over the morning paper, shaking his head at what he could only describe as cowardice. He was about to turn and comment so to Marlene when the paper was pulled out of his hands.

"You can also just say my name," Sirius grinned up at Marlene as she placed the paper down on the table and straddled him, resting down in his lap.

"But then I don't get to do this," she looked innocently at him as she linked her hands behind his neck.

"You can always do this, Mar." Sirius grabbed her hips and pulled her closer.

"As fun as this exchange is," she smirked at him, "I did have a reason for interrupting you."

"Isn't jumping my bones enough reason in itself?" Sirius ran his hands under her shirt and Marlene chuckled.

"Point," she moved to stand but Sirius kept her on his lap. Marlene rolled her eyes at him. "I want to go do something completely normal today. No war, no missions, just you and me like we wanted it to be after school ended."

"Ok," Sirius shrugged, "You're in charge then."

Marlene smirked at him, "Promise?"

It had taken the better part of a half hour to get everything Marls wanted into her rucksack and get out the door. It always surprised Sirius how much domestically was in this firecracker of a woman. Marlene could hold her own against any man, but when she wanted to be soft, she'd put every posh pureblood witch to shame.

She pulled herself onto his bike and wrapped her arms tightly around his waist. "Drive till you feel free." She whispered in his ear, and Sirius felt her words run like electricity down his spine. He floored it down the street.

He lived for these moments, the bike roaring beneath him, Marlene's arms around his waist, the wind whipping past him. It was a high that he could never get enough of. It was life at its best, and Marlene knew it. He drove until there weren't houses or buildings. Until his body ached from being on the bike for so long. Until he felt like his mind was able to think of something other than this damned war. Spotting a thicket of trees, Sirius finally brought the bike to stop.

"Well, captain, how does this place work?" He craned his neck and grinned at her.

"Perfect," she smiled back at him, a smile he hadn't seen much since the war started.

He pushed the bike into the thicket while Marlene laid out the blanket she'd packed and all the food. Sirius lay down on the blanket and took a moment to just breathe.

"We need more of this in our lives." He closed his eyes and let all the thoughts of the war and chaos move to the back burner.

This is what life was supposed to be like. Granted his seventeen-year-old self would have called him barmy for living with a woman in a committed relationship, but truth be told, when it wasn't hell and carnage, Sirius felt like she filled those holes his family carved into him. Maybe if there hadn't been a war, if they'd been able to travel like they'd wanted to, maybe she would have been able to help him really heal. But even in this chaos, she was what grounded him. With James and Lily living in Godric's Hollow and Moony on an undercover assignment and Peter freaking spending more and more time with his mum, Sirius needed someone to keep him sane. Marlene was what he clung to as everything changed around him. It helped that the girl was just getting sexier the longer they were together. And after all this time she still kept him on his toes.

Then her black nails were running along his scalp and Sirius let his eyes roll back behind his closed lids.

"You're a goddess with those nails, you know?" He rolled his head into her hand.

"A goddess, eh?" Sirius could practically see the smirk on her face through his closed eyes.

"You'd have to be because I'm a fucking god and any mortal woman would probably die if they got too close to me." Sirius opened his eyes just in time to see Marlene throw her head back and laugh at him. _Merlin, this woman!_

"I can live with acknowledging your divinity if it means I get to be a goddess." She slid down to lie next to him, propping herself up on her elbow.

"We're the only gods left, love. You're stuck with me." He reached up and pushed her hair behind her ear.

"Eh, there are worse things I suppose," she whispered as she closed the distance to his lips.

Sirius pushed up to meet her and rolled them to hover above her. He dragged his teeth down her neck and along her collarbone as her nails found his scalp again, digging into his head when he bit down on her pulse point.

"Are we eating or fucking because if we're fucking I should move the food out of our way." Marlene chuckled as Sirius pushed his hand up her chest.

He smirked and slowly pulled his hand back down her chest, winking at her when she shivered under his touch. "Are you hungry your divineness?"

Marlene leered at him, "You could call it a hunger."

Sirius reached his hand back towards the food Marlene had lain out, grabbing the first thing he felt.

"Allow me to assist you." He laughed as he realized what he had grabbed was one of the cupcakes Alice had brought over a few days ago and Marlene had packed that morning.

"Black," Marlene pushed up and Sirius let her up so as to not drop the cupcake. "Don't you dare shove that in my face!"

"I just thought I'd help you eat, McKinnon." Sirius grinned at her as he lunged forward fighting to push Marlene back to the ground.

"No!" Marlene laughed as she pushed back, but Sirius was determined. He used his free hand to tickle her side and Marls curled under him, giving him the chance he needed.

"Cheating!" She cried as he rubbed the cupcake against her face.

He should have been paying attention to the fact that her arms had stopped pushing him away, but he was too busy gloating to realize his mistake until she was shoving the second cupcake into his face, laughing as pieces of cupcake rained down on her.

"Oh that was dirty," Sirius grabbed a handful of cupcake from the blanket and smeared it back into her face.

"It's how you like me," she laughed up at him, white frosting smeared all over her face.

Sirius chuckled before leaning down and kissing her, tasting the sugary frosting covering her lips, "Divinity gets what divinity wants."

Marlene pulled him closer, "Then I have a few commands." She smirked before whispering in his ear.

_Merlin, this woman!_


	14. Fusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by this beautiful piece of artwork. http://fav.me/d9flpjy

Sirius stood looking up at the stars while the cold spring air materialized before him. The sky was clear tonight, and Sirius couldn't decide if it was a blessing or a curse that he could see into the night sky. His mind spun with the news, and part of him wanted to collapse while part of him was cold and unfeeling and Sirius felt like a right prick for his emotions surrounding it all. This sort of news was meant to devastate people; but Sirius had to admit amid his anger at his family and the ache in his chest, a small part of him was relieved. And that was probably the worst feeling to have. Merlin, he was fucked up!

It was all so stupid!

He shouldn't have been surprised, really. His parents and family hadn't spoken to him since he finished school. He should feel lucky he found out about Reg's death period, even if it was months after the fact. This was the final dig his horrid parents could give, the greatest insult, to leave absolutely no doubt in his mind that he had no family with them.

Why had he quit smoking again?

It was Dumbledore who thought he should know. A source, as the old man had put it, found out that Reg had gone missing. It was more or less accepted by the Death Eaters that one of the Order had offed him, or that he committed suicide - though his parents insisted that Voldemort himself had killed Reg. Sirius shook his head. Leave it to those idiots to try and pull one last drop of pureblood station from their dead son.

 _Their same unfeeling blood runs through you_ , he reminded himself, and Sirius felt his chest cramp.

A pop sounded behind him and Sirius didn't bother to turn. Her scent filled the air as she approached, a mix of leather jackets and whatever you'd call the scent of soap she used. This was home, well a part of it. Then she slipped her hand into his back pocket and he was really home. Home was Marlene, her presence, her touch. She let him think for a brief moment that maybe he wasn't one of _them_. Maybe he had changed. Marlene and Marlene alone could quiet the self-loathing that threatened to consume him regularly. There were times where she couldn't certainly, but she was the only one who could, and Sirius was happy for any reprieve.

They stood, his hands jammed in his leather jacket, her hand jammed in the back pocket of his jeans, for what felt like hours before Sirius felt like he could speak.

"Reg is dead," Sirius wasn't surprised at how his voice didn't sound like his own.

Marls moved her hand to snake around his waist, "When?"

"Last year at some point," The words spilled casually from his lips but they seemed to slice through his chest as he spoke them and Sirius pulled in a shuddering breath.

Marlene pulled him closer and Sirius stared up again, quickly finding what he'd been watching all night.

"It wasn't any of us. My lovely parents insist it was old Voldy-shorts himself. If that's true I'll eat my wand." He scoffed.

Marlene moved her hand again to start drawing patterns on his back. She told him once she was writing in script, but he could never decipher what she was writing.

"He, he was eighteen." Sirius swallowed hard. "Merlin, Marls, eighteen..." He drifted off.

"I'm sorry," Marlene rested her head on his arm.

"I'm not. Now I don't have to worry about being the one who kills him." Sirius hated himself for admitting it, but hating himself was nothing new.

"I hadn't thought about that," her voice grew stricken. "You never mentioned that was a concern you had."

Sirius' shoulders slouched and he pushed his hands deeper into his jacket pockets. "Yeah, well, I didn't want my loyalties questioned. I am a Black, Marls. Just because you lot have forgotten doesn't mean anyone else hasn't."

"Anyone who does can fuck off," she grunted.

Sirius smiled, he loved the fierceness of this slight creature beside him. "If they assumed I didn't care about killing my brother, then they could assume my loyalty was in the right spot."

Marlene huffed, "You shouldn't have had to hide that. And you certainly didn't need to hide it from me." She moved her hand from his back to clutch his arm.

"Old habits die hard, love," Sirius sighed heavily, and Marlene nodded against him.

It grew silent again, the darkness enveloping them deeper into the night. Sirius' back was starting to ache by the time Marls spoke again.

"I'm glad you found out in the spring," she looked up with him. "It's brightest in the spring."

He nodded, unsure if his voice could manage a response.

"Before," Sirius fought back the lump in his throat, taking a deep breath. "Before he chose them, I used to think that there was some meaning or foreshadowing that Reg's star is in the Lion constellation." His body shook with his bitter chuckle. "I used to hope it meant that he would be in Gryffindor after I was sorted there. Then he was sorted as a snake and I convinced myself that it meant he had a good heart and that he'd turn it all around. That maybe he'd contact me and ask for a way out, for help. I tried to convince him to come with me to the Potter's when I left. I told him Mia would take him in, would show him what a real family looked like. Damn idiot just kept telling me I needed to stay." He shook his head and gave a hollow laugh. "Stupid really - to hope all that - none of it was true."

Marlene chuckled, throwing Sirius off and he looked down at her confused.

"Well, Reg's name may not have been a foreshadowing, but Merlin, Sirius, yours sure as hell was!" She gave him a small smile and Sirius heard himself laugh. It was strange, to laugh right now. But she made a good point, and Sirius was never the man to deny anyone a laugh, especially Marls.

"You're still bright," she said turning to find his star. "Not as bright as at the end of winter, but you're still the easiest to find."

Sighing Sirius turned with her, looking wistfully up at the shinning orb that gave him his name. There had been nights where he cursed that star, nights where he wished he could pluck it from the sky and destroy it. But since Marls had come into his life, it had started to become more of a friend than a foe. Marlene sought out his star frequently and Sirius' association of the star with his parents was slowly being replaced with Marlene's fascination with it.

"Meet me there when this is all over," he snaked his arms around Marlene's waist.

"At your star?" She laughed as she leaned back into him.

"I want to see it, and that'll be the easiest place to find when we're dead. Just go to the brightest light you can find."

"You'd better not stand me up, Black." She pulled her hair over her shoulder and tilted her neck in invitation.

"Never, McKinnon" he placed a long kiss against her neck, grinning smugly when she melted against him.


	15. Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where I live had some beautiful thunderstorms this past week, and this is what came from that. I hope you all enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I'm co-writing a Blackinnon WWII AU with EnthusiasticSloth called Glimpsing Happiness. We adore the little thing, and hope you will too!

Sirius loves thunderstorms.

As a child, thunder is louder than his mother's screams. Anything that can drown her out is something special to him. He wants to be strong and powerful like the thunder that booms so loudly his mother's voice is lost in its rumble. Thunder and lightning and rain are strong and make him feel brave. Thunder makes him believe one day, he could be something more than the scared little boy curled over his brother crying from the pain.

As a first year at Hogwarts, Sirius loves thunderstorms because they wake all the boys in his dorm up and the four new friends all sit and talk and watch the lightning through the window. He wants to be brave, and show these new friends that he belongs in Gryffindor with them and not in Slytherin. He wants to be as strong as the thunder and prove to himself that the hat didn't make a mistake.

By his third year at Hogwarts, Sirius loves thunderstorms because they hide him and his friends so well. No one hears them as they steal books from the restricted section to try and figure out how they can help Remus. Because James is sure werewolves don't target Animagi, but they have to be positive. The thunder hides them as they pull some of their best pranks as well. They were drenched to the bone after setting it up, but Sirius knows that no one will be able to top enchanting every potted plant in Sprout's greenhouses to do some dance Remus knew from the Muggle world - electricity something or other - the moment Professor Sprout says "Good morning, class."

His last year at Hogwarts, Sirius loves thunderstorms because they remind him he is brave, he is strong. They remind him that he's surrounded himself with good, brave, strong friends. And the thunder reminds him of the feeling in his chest when Marls looks at him and her eyes are burning into his. The feeling of her hands in his hair and her lips on his skin is greater than any shock of electricity, and her voice is more cooling than any rain could hope to be. His last year at Hogwarts, he thinks he's fallen in love with the storm that is Marlene McKinnon.

A year into the war, he knows he's in love with the thunder and lightning that course through Marlene. Thunderstorms pale in comparison to her. That flash in her eyes when she pulls him over her, the way his name sounds on her lips, how everything about her makes him want to be brave and strong and better. He still loves thunderstorms, especially when he can watch them with Marls wrapped in his arms, but he's gone for the storm that's chosen him.

In Azkaban, it takes a while for him to decide he still loves thunderstorms. At first, he hates them, because they bring up everything he's lost. But the more he starts thinking about Harry, the more he hopes Harry likes thunderstorms. Sirius hopes Harry can feel the same strength from the storm he felt as a child. He hopes Harry can feel like he is the storm. With more time the thunderstorms become soothing. They aren't as powerful as the woman he lost, but they seem to tell him she's not really gone. She lives in his heart now, flowing through his veins and keeping him alive. The thunder isn't her, but it helps to keep her near.

When Sirius falls through the veil and hears her voice again for the first time in fifteen years, he knows the storm never stopped raging. And when he kisses her lips, he can feel the lightning strike him. When she pulls back to look at him, he knows that he is still her thunderstorm, that nothing between them has changed. And he chuckles because there is no way that heaven is ready for the storm that is Sirius Black and Marlene McKinnon.


	16. Clout

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally back in Blackinnon and oh it feels so nice to be writing these two again! October through now has been insane and I’ve barely been keeping my head above water but things have slowed down and now I can give this ship the attention it deserves again. :) 
> 
> Ojala, my AU collection of Blackinnon one-shots, was also updated today, and EnthusiasticSloth and I have been posting our second BlackinnonAU story together called Like the Storybooks. Slowly there’s more Blackinnon coming! =D

It's eerie to sit in the flat alone. Marlene knows she could just go to James and Lily's new place; she doesn't have to be alone. But this is where Sirius will come home to. This flat is starting to feel more and more like just theirs as Peter spends more time with his mum and Remus keeps going on missions that have him out of contact for a week at a time. She wants to be home when Sirius gets home, but this mission had no expected time frame, so Merlin knows when to expect him.

The minutes pass to hours and when Marlene watches the clock hands move to show that Sirius has been gone for ten hours, she's definitely considering sending Lily a Patronus at 2 AM to see if she can have some company. She's been trapped inside her own head this whole time and she's starting to spin from it. She needs air, she needs to breathe, and she needs to get out.

Not quite ready to impose on her basically newly married friends, a few months still counts as the honeymoon for those two, Marlene grabs her leather jacket and heads for the back of their building.

It's quiet here, but thankfully it isn't still. The flat is quiet but it's also so still that it feels dead. And some of that stillness seems to seep into her heart and she wonders if maybe she's dying too. If maybe this damn war is slowly killing her from the inside.

The night air is cold even with her jacket and she can feel the goosebumps rising on her skin. But the pricking is nothing compared to the ache in her chest and the lump in her throat that sits just high enough to let her know it's there. She wants to feel normal again, she wants to keep this from seeping into her relationships with her friends, with Sirius, but how do you make everything feel the same outside when inside you're wilting, dying? How can you keep a happy face when inside you're screaming?

But she has to.

Marlene knows she can't falter, she has to be strong, she has to push all this away and be there for everyone. She's their rock. Sirius has told her more times than not without her he'd have run headfirst into a killing curse a long time ago. Lily tells her she's the sunshine guiding everyone through this every damn time she sees her. How can she let them down? How can she be weak when everyone is depending on her to be strong, to be there for them?

The lump climbs higher and Marlene tries desperately to breathe through it, to push it back down and hold herself together, but it's no use. The whole fucking world is pressing down on her and the weight is too much and her mask shatters into a million pieces as she crumples to the ground. She's sobbing so hard she can't breathe and there are spots in front of her eyes but she can't stop. Her chest feels like she's been hit by a stunning spell and her vision is blurred with tears and golden curls. She's dying inside and all there is left of her is a husk of a shell unworthy of the love and trust so many have in her because she's obviously too weak to do this.

This is how Remus finds her, curled against the back brick wall of the building and sobbing like a broken child.

It's a shocking thing for him to find, Marlene has always been the brightest of the bunch. She's realistic sure, but she is their own version of tenacious bull-headed determination that they will win. For Marlene, it's never 'if' but 'when' they conquer Voldemort. And Remus instantly fears the worst because what else could have brought Marlene to this point.

Gently he bends down next to her, "Marlene, Marlene is Sirius alright?"

Marlene jumps in surprise, hand going for her hip but stopping when ice blue eyes meet chocolate brown. She pulls in a shuddering breath and hates that her voice breaks when she speaks.

"I think so; the mission had no timeline so he could be back any minute or tomorrow."

Remus puts a hand on her shoulder, "Then what happened, Marlene?"

She forces a smile, but even Marlene can feel how hollow it is. "I just had a spell is all. I'm fine, really."

Remus takes in her broken smile and shakes his head. "Merlin, Marlene you're obviously not fine. Let's go inside, you can talk to me."

Marlene's mind screams at the thought of going back into that flat, as still as it is. It makes the still parts of her soul feel cavernous and she's convinced it's killing her, but she has to be strong. Moony will tell Sirius something is wrong if she can't pull herself together. So she'll just keep dying because she has to be strong, she has to hold this little family together or none of them are going to make it.

"Yeah," she nods and manages to build a bit of her mask again.

Remus helps her to stand and he's suddenly aware of how small Marlene really is. He hasn't paid it much notice before because Marlene's personality more than makes up for whatever she may lack in stature. But helping her to stand after having just found her curled against the building sobbing, he's struck by how she's incredibly small.

He makes tea when they're inside, it's what his mum always did and so it's what he does. If something is wrong you make a cup of tea. He wonders if he should throw a shot of Firewhiskey in Marlene's, but decides to just set the flask down on the table and she can grab it if she wants it. She doesn't. She's smiling again, which feels so odd given how broken she looked not five minutes ago.

"Marlene, what's going on?" Remus pulls his cup to his lips.

Marlene smiles, she can feel the pieces of the mask coming back and she's so grateful for it. "It was just a spell of melancholy, Moony. I let my thoughts wander when I shouldn't have and it got the best of me. Really I know better, but I guess we can't all be perfect all the time right?"

Remus eyes her and she knows he saw too much but she's not going to let him know. He depends on her as well. She's responsible for keeping his bedroom sealed on full moons with whichever of the Marauders isn't on assignment. He needs her to be strong, so he can trust her to help him. He can't think she just randomly breaks down.

"I just let myself think of the ‘what if,’ you know? Sirius has been gone all day and they didn't have a timeframe and I let my imagination run away. I don't normally let it do that but I got careless. It won't happen again."

Remus' eyes go softer and Marlene tries not to visibly sigh in relief that he appears to have bought the lie.

"Sirius is as stubborn as you are Marlene; you know he'll make it home."

She smiles, a real smile this time because she loves that stubborn arse of a boyfriend. But he's hers and she doesn't want anyone else.

"You're right, I shouldn't have let doubt creep in." Marlene nods and Remus puts a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"It happens to the best of us."

She gradually changes the subject and it's just before dawn that Sirius walks through the door. He's haggard and smells like the singe of clothes coming too close to dark spells but he's in her arms instantly and she's clinging to him for dear life. She may be his rock, but he doesn't know really how much he is hers. She's being strong for everyone but she's only managing it because his arms are holding her upright.

Remus smiles at them as what looks like a few happy tears fall from Marlene's eyes. She's a little bit of sunshine for all of them in these dark times, but she obviously finds a lot if her light in Sirius Black. It's a bit ironic really, but not at its core.

It's a few days later at headquarters when Remus gets the chance to tell Sirius how he found Marlene, sobbing over the thought of losing him.

Sirius blows out a long breath, "I suppose she's not kidding when she says she loves me."

Remus punches him in the shoulder. "If you really believed that she was kidding I'd cut your balls off."

Sirius grins at him as he shoves him back, "Come on, mate, I'm not that bad."

Remus chuckles and puts a hand on Sirius' shoulder, "Make sure she knows that."

Sirius looks distant a moment, lost in thought before he nods and looks at Marlene across the room. "I think I know how." He turns back to Remus and smiles, "Thanks Moony."

Remus chuckles, "Anytime, Pads."


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Continuation of the last chapter… ;)

They lay entwined under the sheets, living for the feel of their naked forms pressed against each other, breathing finally slowing as the afterglow of ecstasy cocooned them in a moment all their own.

He couldn't believe she was his. He never expected in his wildest dreams that he'd end up in love, let alone willing to admit it out loud to the woman who had changed everything. He'd had a little over a week to think some things over; to decide what it was he really wanted was to be with her and no one else. It was terrifying, made the parts of his mind still broken from growing up the way he had panic, but her smiling face always came to mind and quieted every emotion. He knew she was it. She always would be. He knew he would always choose her.

Sirius pressed his lips to her hairline and closed his eyes, "Tell me what you want when we win the war."

Marlene sighed contentedly, a soft smile on her lips, "I want to do this all day."

Sirius let his fingers roam her body, memorizing her, committing every curve to the vaults of his mind.

"I want to marry you." His voice was just above a whisper, but it was strong, sure of the words he uttered.

Marlene's eyes flew open and she tensed, "You don't have to say things like that to get me to stay Sirius."

Sirius pulled her chin gently to look into his eyes, "I'm not just saying things Marly. I really do want to marry you."

She stared into his eyes, and though she kept trying to find the catch, the part where she discovered this is all just a part of his insecurities, she only found that genuine soul of the man before her. Sirius Black was broken, impulsive, emotionally scared, but Marlene knew in that instant that he was hers and she knew she always wanted to be his. She'd known for years.

"Not like James and Lily," she grinned.

Sirius smiled - a smile that started in his soul and pierced through his gray eyes, spreading across his whole face.

"Of course not," he kissed her lips, "ours will be Black."

Marlene laughed, "Black leather, black lace, and I'll take your name to piss off your mother."

"I knew there was a reason I fell for you," Sirius grinned and brought a hand up her chest.

"My mum might die if I'm not in white though," Marlene murmured.

"We'll compromise, then," Sirius moved his lips to her neck and smirked as she arched into him. "You can wear a white dress with black lace under it."

"No one but you would see that," Marlene ran her black nails over Sirius' scalp and grinned at the moan it pulled.

"Exactly," Sirius bit down on her pulse point and Marlene pulled sharply on the hair under her fingers.

"Are we really going to do this?" She loosened her grip as Sirius pulled back to look at her.

"Sex or marriage?"

Marlene laughed at the grin on Sirius' face, "Both, of course."

Sirius answered as he pulled his fingers up her inner thigh. "You haven't said yes, so..."

Marlene grabbed Sirius by the back of the neck and pulled him down to plunder his mouth with her tongue. She pulled away and smirked, "Yes."

Sirius growled as he captured her lips again and pressed against her, "When?"

"The sex?" Marlene gave him a wicked grin.

Sirius shook his head as a low chuckle rolled through his chest. "So that's how it's going to be, huh?"

Marlene gave him an innocent stare, "How what's going to be?"

Sirius raised an eyebrow at her, "Last chance."

Marlene maintained her look of naivety.

Sirius smirked and leaned down to whisper in her ear, "You asked for this, Sunshine."

Marlene screamed as Sirius began tickling her mercilessly.

"I'm sorry, love, was that an answer to my original question?"

Marlene struggled against Sirius' hands, hating how much stronger he was than her, and how fucking smug he looked. But she loved this. She loved how he looked at her as she squirmed and laughed and absolutely relished the way fighting against him made her blood burn for him and his touch.

She gasped as Sirius pinned her hands above her with one hand and continued tickling her with the other.

"After," she managed in between her laughter, "after the war."

Sirius slowed his tickling, still pulling full belly laughs from Marlene but at a pace where she could manage to talk.

"When after the war, Marls?" His eyes bore into hers and Marlene felt the air flee her lungs.

"Two months," her voice was all air and she smirked as Sirius' eyes darkened and his hand began caressing more than tickling.

"Where?" He hovered above her, his grip on her hands loosening.

"As far away from here as possible," Marlene held his gray eyes with hers and her heart soared as Sirius brought his lips to hers, releasing her hands and bringing both of his to hold her in that way only he could.

"I love you," he murmured against her lips as he began to move his lips down her chin to her neck and chest.

"I love you too," Marlene sighed and smiled at him as he looked up at her, his smile shining through his eyes as he grinned up at her.

It would be everything they both dreamed of, and they'd have it all after they won the war.


	18. Echoes

The melancholy would sneak up on him; he would think he was doing pretty well, and then it would reach out and grab him by the back of the neck and he couldn't break free.

Sirius felt ridiculous living in the cave near Hogsmeade. He felt even more ridiculous staring out of the cave opening like a brooding adolescent, he was over 30 years old, and he should be past this. But he had ghosts most didn't.

He looked out at the world and saw the clearing he took Marlene to when they got rained on and hid in the shrieking shack. He saw where he and the Marauders would roam around back when they were stupid enough to think they were invincible. He saw their faces, swore their laughs were just over behind that thicket, that he could walk past those trees and find them all sitting on a conjured blanket, passing a bottle around that James had confiscated, unaware that one of them would throw it all away and they'd be too naive to see it coming. That one of them would be cause for the deaths of three of them and would try to wipe them all out. If he could go back now...well he can't.

But it was her face; it always ended up being her face, that haunted him more than Wormtail's treachery. Everything that was supposed to be, everything that he lost, everything that drove him mad.

He would deny it to his dying day, but not having anyone to talk to was almost excruciating. Buckbeak was a decent listener, but Sirius craved the voice of another human being. And most of all he craved her voice. He was spiraling into madness; he knew it when he started to hear her respond as he droned on to Buckbeak. He knew her, he knew her better than anyone, and he knew what she'd say to him.

"Merlin it's cold in here," he muttered.

_It's probably warmer as Padfoot._

"But then I have to exert the effort to change and I don't want to."

_You were always so dramatic._

"You loved it and you know it."

_I did._

"I really don't want to eat another raw rabbit."

_You could experiment with some of the plants._

He could hear laughter in her voice, and he broke down. The tears came hard and fast and he could barely breathe. He fell to the floor, hands scraping on the dirt and gravel on the ground. He shivered against the chill of the cold stone on his skin and let the tears blur his vision. His chest felt like it was collapsing, crushing his lungs and heart. He welcomed the pain, at least he was feeling something. How long he was gripped by his own grief and frustration and melancholy he didn't know. Time didn't even fucking matter anymore. What good was he now anyway? He couldn't even be a decent godfather to Harry. James would be ashamed of him, he was sure of it. And Marlene would...

He drew in a shuddering breath. She would pull him up short. She'd give him some sort of ice water slap in the face to bring him back to reality. She'd reach in and pull him from this awful spiral. She would remind him that James loved him. She would show him what he meant to her. She would save him, she always did.

And he had been too late to save her. 

"I miss you, so fucking much," Sirius whispered hoarsely and allowed the tears to fall again.

_I miss you too._

He knew he was going mad; he knew because she couldn't be there, she couldn't be answering him, and his brain was punishing him for not getting there fast enough. He'd never let it happen again. He hadn't been there in time to save Marlene. He had been the one to deliver James and Lily into Wormtail's blood stained hands. But he would never make that mistake again. He'd be there for Harry no matter what happened. He owed it to James, to Lily, to Marlene. He was why they were dead, and he wouldn't let that be the case with Harry. He would be there to save Harry, every time.


	19. Aggregate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An expansion of a drabble I wrote after seeing this GIF set. https://matrixaffiliate.tumblr.com/post/182735809581/blackinnon-drabble-sirius-woke-with-a-start-and

Sirius was used to the nightmares, but that didn't mean he was immune to them. They came at him at any point. Whether things were going well or everything was shot to hell, the nightmares came. Since Dumbledore told him of Reg's death, they'd hit hard and fast. What kind of asshole feels relieved at his brother's death? What kind of tossers choose not to tell their only surviving son that his brother is dead? What the hell sort of life was this?

His most recent set of nightmares revolved around those three. He refused to call them family. James was family, and Marlene. But Reg's death was doing awful things to his mind and he had to remind himself daily that Remus and Peter were family.

Remus was suddenly on assignment over the full moons and that bothered Sirius. Remus hadn't been alone on a full moon in years and then out of nowhere he's agreeing to spend the last four Merlin knows where. And Peter had been spending weeks on end with his parents, showing up for missions but never returning to or staying at their flat. He was abandoning them and Sirius resented him for it. They were the Marauders, thick as thieves till the very end. If it weren't for Marlene's constant presence, he would have confronted the two of them about it already. James may trust till his dying day, but Sirius had grown up knowing the people closest to you could hurt you the worst.

Thankfully his nightmares hadn't found that part of his conscious thought. They were focused on the few occasions that Sirius had recognized being in a fight with his brother when the Order faced off against the Death Eaters, and the last time he saw his mother and father respectively. All of them usually ended with him having to defend himself against their attacks, but in this particular nightmare, he fought with Marlene by his side.

Then there was a flash of green light and Marlene's scream.

Sirius woke with a start and immediately reached across the bed. His response to his nightmares was to reach for her, to hold her until the panic subsided, to breath her in. Especially after this particular ending, he needed to reassure himself that she was there, safe, and alive. But this morning his arms came up empty.

His panic increased momentarily before he heard her quiet humming from the kitchen. Sirius shook off some of the adrenaline, taking a deep breath before pushing himself out of bed. Padding out into the kitchen his eyes were met with the calming sight of Marlene at the counter, humming one of her favorite songs as she prepared what smelled like a cup of tea.

Sirius walked quietly up behind her, circling his arms around her perfect hips, dropping his lips to her beautiful exposed neck. Marlene sighed and pressed back into him, her hand reaching behind her to tangle her fingers in his messy hair.

"Good morning, love," her breath caught as he spun her around and brought his lips to hers.

"Now it is," he murmured against her and smirked when Marlene pulled him back to her and pressed her body against his.

Her hand went to his bare chest, but she paused when her fingers felt his frantic heart rate. Marlene pulled back to search his face.

"Alright?"

Sirius sighed and rested his forehead against hers. He knew he wouldn't be able to get anything coherent out before breaking down. So instead he lifted a hand to her face, tracing his fingers over her cheek.

"Another nightmare?"

Sirius wished he could reassure her, that he could be whole for her. She made him want to be whole, to be strong, to be her rock. He hated he was broken, shattered, and clinging to her when he should be there for her to cling to. But he could try, he could try for her.

"Yeah," his voice shook and he cursed himself.

"Bad one?" Marlene pressed closer, caressing his chest with her fingers as her eyes searched his face.

Sirius solidified his resolve to be stronger for her and nodded, "They got you."

"Oh, Sirius," Marlene's voice quavered as she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him to her. "I'm here," she soothed, "I'm here and I'm fine."

Sirius held on to her like his life depended on it, because his sanity probably did. When everyone else was fading, Marlene stayed strong. Marlene kept him grounded. Marlene reminded him to keep perspective when everything was spiraling out of control. And he had to show her what that meant to him, that he could count on her, that she was always there and any bumps were always small and trivial, no matter how he overreacted about them.

Sirius brought his lips to hers, kissing her slowly, deeply, with all the intensity that he felt in the moment. He heard Marlene's breath catch in her chest and the sound spurred him on. He reached down and grabbed her around her thighs, lifting her up onto the counter. His hands found the hem of her tank top and pulled it over her head, his lips quickly finding her skin again, relishing the feel of her nails digging into his shoulders.

And then the front door opened and everything stopped. Sirius threw himself around, blocking Marlene as she reached across the counter for her wand.

"Merlin, you two!" Peter exclaimed putting a hand up in front of his eyes. "This is why you have a fucking room!"

Words failed Sirius; his nightmare had flashed when he had heard the door open and he was still trying to adjust to the reality that it was a friend and not a foe facing him.

"If you were around more often we'd remember this isn't just our flat Peter," Marlene laughed as Peter backed up into the corridor.

"I'm going to give you one minute to get to your own room," he turned hand still firmly over his eyes.

Marlene's laughter and her hands sliding along his waist finally brought Sirius out of his stunned state and he willingly let her take his hand and pull him to their room.

"All clear Wormy," Sirius chuckled, turning to shut the door.

Peter didn't respond, but Sirius didn't have time to think about it because Marlene's hands were playing with the waistband of his joggers and her lips were trailing kisses along his back and shoulders. Sirius turned back to her, because while he had no idea where Wormtail stood on anything right now, he knew that Marlene was in this with him forever, and he wanted, needed, to show her exactly what that meant to him.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's going to be two Friday updates in a row because life. Not that I think you mind, so enjoy!
> 
> I thought I was going to make this longer, but the more I experimented with adding to it, the less I liked it; so a short little drabble this week, because I love this too much to change it.

Sirius thought he was addicted to alcohol. It numbed a bit of the pain from his parents hating him, the pain of how lost he felt, the anger he had at his situation, and the fear that sometimes tried to overtake him. But when Sirius moved in with the Potter's, his desire to drink himself under the table slowly faded away. He didn't need the numbing when the Potters kept him busy and made him feel like he mattered.

Sirius thought he was addicted to tobacco. The cigarettes forced him to be calm when he was too shaken after a mission to breathe, masked his anxieties about the war and Regulus, and veiled the fear that threatened to consume him. But when Marlene suggested they really should quit, he quit. It was uncomfortable, but after a few months, he didn't feel like he needed a smoke when things got bad. He had Marlene for that.

However Sirius was sure, he was absolutely certain, that he was addicted to Marlene McKinnon. Marlene didn't just numb the pain, she helped heal him. Marlene didn't create a fake calm around him, her kiss slowed his heart rate and her voice brought a comfort he'd only thought existed for people other than him. And when fear tried to overtake him, Marlene's very presence pushed the demons back.

Yes, he was addicted to Marlene McKinnon. The alcohol couldn't numb him enough to take away the memory of her healing love and acceptance of who he was. The tobacco's forced calm felt hollow and incomplete in comparison to the echo of her touch, her kiss, her voice. Marlene was in his blood, she beat through him each time his dammed heart pumped into his veins. She ran through his mind like a tornado, impossible to ignore. He loved her; he knew that; it was obvious. But lying awake on the couch for his third sleepless night, Sirius knew, beyond any doubt, that he was addicted to Marlene McKinnon.

And three days ago, he had his final fix.


	21. Lost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a rough day this past week, and this is what happened. Writing is the best therapy, at least for me. :)

 

Sirius was scared, not that he was going to let that show, but he was scared. They'd been on a recon mission, he, Marlene, Benjy, and Moody, when Death Eaters had come out of the walls of the house they were in. Now they had to get out while being attacked on all sides by eight or so masked cowards. Sirius felt he had a right to be scared.

Marlene had her back pressed against his as they fought their way to the door. Benjy and Moody held a similar position and we're a few steps in front of them. Sirius kept telling himself that with Moody leading them, they'd get out of anything. The man was invincible, he was sure of it.

Sirius deflected spell after spell and after what seemed like an eternity he realized they were finally in the entryway. They were going to be alright, they were going to make it out. That realization seemed to give Sirius a second wind and he attacked with more fervor. He flung a spell at one of the attackers, knocking their mask from their face.

"Reg?"

Sirius froze, as did Regulus, starting at each other with wide eyes. Sirius felt as old as Dumbledore at that moment, and Reg looked as young as a first-year Hogwarts student. Nothing made sense. He knew Reg had been a sympathizer, his whole bloody family was, but he held out hope that Reg wouldn't actually fight for the wrong side.

"Sirius!"

Marlene's scream brought him back as she deflected a spell that he'd missed from one of the other cowards. Then she grabbed his hand and they bolted outside, Apparating away to safety.

Once they were sure they hadn't brought any enemies along, Moody cleared everyone to Apparate to headquarters. Sirius felt numb as they went through their debrief. He barely even noticed that Marlene was holding his hand through the whole thing. No words processed as everyone spoke, and he was unable to form words to respond to anything. Sirius was vaguely aware of Marlene pulling him to stand. He thought he felt Benjy and Moody clasp his shoulder in turn, but only because the pressure of their hands kept him from moving forward. Marlene slid her arm around his waist, but that felt disconnected too. He followed her out of headquarters and let her Apparate them home.

Except, he didn't land outside their flat building, they landed in the field that they would normally ride the bike out to. Sirius had to admit, he probably wouldn't have noticed they weren't home if he hadn't landed next to a deer and spooked the animal into running the other direction.

"Sirius," Marlene's voice felt so distant, so far away from where his mind was. He wasn't even sure if she was still touching him.

"Sirius," her hands found his face, and even that felt odd, detached. But then his gray eyes met her ice blue ones and suddenly he was back, and it hurt.

It. Hurt. Like. Hell.

His chest ached with the same excruciating pain it had when his mother had blown him off the tapestry. He couldn't breathe, breaths coming in short gasps as he tried to fill his lungs. His vision blurred with unshed tears, the lump in his throat making it even harder to take air. Finally, he collapsed to the ground, unable to stand as the world swayed in front of him.

He could feel Marlene's arms wrapped around him, clinging to him as he shuddered.

"I love you," she whispered again and again and again. Her voice was the only thing that let him know he hadn't yet passed out from his shallow breathing.

He didn't pass out, but his body did eventually run out of steam. Exhausted, he collapsed against her, his breathing finally slowing, air finally filling his lungs, but he felt empty. No amount of air could fill the hole that had opened up inside his chest, and the vastness of it felt as though he'd never be whole again.

"I love you," she said it again, her arms still wrapped around his middle, holding him close to her chest.

He shifted so his head was in her lap, as opposed to the dirt below him, and she moved her hands to tangle in his hair. He looked up into her eyes, ice blue like a glacier. Sirius had seen pictures, read stories about people who climbed glaciers. The climbers talked about how they had to be careful not to get lost in those glacier fields because it wasn't uncommon to never find your way out.

"I want to get lost in your eyes." The words tumbled out of him in a broken whisper. "And I never want to find my way out."

Marlene laughed, "I love you," she said it again.

This was one of those things that let him know she was it for him. Anyone else would have tried to talk him down, but Marlene just kept reaffirming that he was loved, even in his broken state she loved him, she wanted him, she chose him. The emotions that hit him were a mess; loss and betrayal at seeing Reg behind the mask; anger and sadness at realizing his blood family was not and never would be his family; love and hope because his true family was looking down at him with adoration in her glacier eyes; fear because she could be stripped from him in an instant, and he'd be left behind.

But he focused on her eyes. His whole body ached to get lost in them, to throw himself into them, without a map or a compass to find his way out.

She stared down at him, the intensity of his gaze making her face grow pink. And Sirius knew he needed to lose himself, to show her how badly he was addicted to her and how each fix of her just pulled him in further. His hand found her wrist and he twisted there on the ground, Apparating them to their building this time.

Marlene looked around wide-eyed before smiling down at him, "Impressive."

"I need you," he whispered, a silent plea in his eyes.

Marlene's eyes never left his as she pulled him to stand, her smile warm, accepting, loving, everything. "I need you, too."

Sirius somehow managed to keep from taking her right there, somehow made it through basic conversation with Remus, James, and Lily for almost five minutes before Marlene excused them. But once their door was closed, Sirius' control dissolved.

He pressed Marlene into the wall, his hands grabbing her skin, her clothes, her hair. His lips and tongue and teeth were all over her face, her neck, behind her ear, her moans spurring him further.

She returned his fervor. Her hands making quick work of his shirt, using her strength to push his hands off of her and his arms up in the air to pull it over his head. Her nails dug into his chest, shoulders, his hair. And her kiss was ferocious when she managed to pull his face back to her lips. She rocked against him, whispering in his ear as he devoured her, telling him she loved him.

And it went on like that, against the wall, on the desk chair, their bed, again and again. Sirius had to fill this hole, this gaping hole in him, and Marlene was his balm, his family, his everything. And she did fill the hole, again and again, until he lay, exhausted, with Marlene pressed against him, her head on his chest.

"I love you," he whispered as he tangled his hand in her hair.

"I love you, Sirius," there was a fierceness in her voice as she continued, "and I hope you know there are many who do."

Sirius took a deep breath as her words washed over him. He did know.

"Hey," her small hand came up to cup his face, gently pulling until he was looking down at her, "Come get lost."

He stared down at her, his lips turning up as she held his gaze. He was already lost in her. He was already in so far that no map or compass would ever lead him out. And he never wanted out. He never wanted to be rescued. He wanted to live whatever was left of his life lost in Marlene McKinnon.


	22. Ascertain

"What the fuck is love, anyway?" Marlene asked sardonically. She and Sirius were sitting by the lake, watching the May sun sink below the horizon of the Forbidden Forest.

"James and Lily?" Sirius chuckled.

"Sure," she smirked, "I see it in other people. My parents make it look easy, but I've got no clue  _what it is_."

Sirius eyed her. If he didn't know Marlene as well as he did, he would have thought she was fishing for him to tell her he loved her. But he knew Marls. Marlene didn't fish. If she wanted something she told him. So Sirius decided to legitimately consider the question.

"Hell if I know," he shrugged after a moment, "my parents hate me."

"Your parents are the Potters," she interrupted.

He smiled, she was right. Mia reminded him of it frequently too. His family was no longer the great and noble house of Black. He was a Potter in everything but name now.

"Fair, but I don't think I know what love is either."

Marlene went silent again, looking out over the lake. Sirius admired her profile. She was one of those women who looked beautiful when she wasn't smiling. Don't misunderstand him, she was radiant when she smiled, but Marlene looked like a marble statue when she sat pensive and thoughtful.

"Do you think you'll know when you're in love? Or do you think it'll slip through your fingers because you didn't notice it?"

Sirius was quiet. The question troubled him. He liked to put on a show of indifference; it was easier if it looked like he didn't give a damn about how much the Black family had hurt him. But the idea that love could slip past him unnoticed was unnerving.

"I'm scared I'll lose love because I won't notice it," Malrs said quietly.

Sirius shook his head, "You're barmy, you know. Love wouldn't slip past you. You're too giving of yourself. You care too much, even if you don't let anyone in to see. You'll kill yourself for someone and make sure it looks like you're completely fine while you die inside. Love can't get past you unnoticed; if anything it'll be the death of you."

Marlene turned to face him, her eyes were wide in surprise, as though she'd never had anyone see through her so clearly, let alone tell her so.

"You know a lot more than you let on," she finally looked back out over the lake, her face clouded.

He shrugged, "Which is why all our profs hate me."

She laughed, and Sirius smirked, he liked making her laugh.

"You didn't answer my question," Marlene didn't look at him, allowing him to ignore the question if he wanted. He liked that about her. Marly didn't push. She always gave him the out, the escape clause from everything they did.

But he was finding that less and less he wanted those escape routes. He was finding that more and more he wanted to hold tight to her, to keep going for as long as she wanted.

"I think it'll take time, but I think I'd figure it out. It would feel completely different but absolutely the same and I think I'd figure it out."

She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. Sirius wasn't sure how he started caring so much about this woman. He didn't know when he started noticing when her smiles weren't completely there, let alone wanting to make it so the sun could shine through her. He watched her, her smile slowly fading away and leaving her looking like a statue, pensive and timeless and beautiful. At some point, something between them had shifted. Something was different, but nothing had actually changed. They still maintained this label-less arrangement that according to Moony was "bloody dating each other," but Sirius could feel that something was different even if he couldn't identify it.

"Hey," he moved closer to her, putting his arm around her waist and pulling her into him. "I'm here."

She rested her head against his shoulder but continued to look out into the twilight. "I love that."

They'd finish at Hogwarts in a couple of weeks. They'd join the Order and who knew what else from there. It would take him two more months and nearly dying to admit it out loud to her. He'd spend those two months in denial of it and in fear of it. But this night, by the lake, when the safety of Hogwarts was still sheltering them from the reality of war, Sirius realized he loved Marlene. He loved her in a way that terrified him; made his heart beat too fast and his breath come too quickly because he knew then she loved him too. He knew then that he had the power to destroy her, and her him. And he didn't trust himself with that kind of power.

But Sirius would look back until the day he died at this night by the lake, because it was the night that he knew he'd fallen in love, and the night he knew she had too.


	23. Balm

****Marlene sat in the dark common room staring at the embers of the dying fire in front of her. Melancholy was a common feeling for Marlene, and she'd found over the years that it was best to just let that feeling run its course. Unfortunately, that also meant she usually had to let it run its course in the dark of night while her friends slept and couldn't interfere. What was it about everyone wanting to fix her? So she got sad once in a while, so what?

Marlene started at the sound of the portrait opening, and she turned to see who it was, but no one entered.

"Hello?" Marlene gripped her wand and turned in the chair so she was facing the portrait hole.

She thought she heard voices, but still, no one appeared. Marlene put her wand up in front of her and spoke a bit louder. "Hello?"

"Marls?"

Marlene breathed a sigh of relief at the sound of Sirius' voice.

"Sirius, you scared the hell out of me!"

"Help a block up through the portrait will you?"

Marlene moved from her chair and gasped when she found Sirius leaning against the portrait hole. He looked a bit like he'd had a fight with a bear.

"Merlin, Sirius!" Marlene hoisted his arm over her shoulders and pulled him into the common room. "What happened to you?"

Sirius shook his head, "I was an idiot. I went for a walk and spooked a wolf, poor bloke. He was just sitting there and here I come bumbling through like a freaking giant. Serves me right, really."

Marlene stared at Sirius like he'd grown two heads. "Are you telling me that a wolf attacked you and you're saying it’s _your_ fault?"

Sirius shrugged and put his wand in its holster. "Thanks for helping me through the door, McKinnon. I'll just wake James and have him fix me up."

Marlene shook her head and led him to the fireplace before pushing Sirius down on to the sofa. "No point in waking James, I'm awake and I happen to be pretty good at this actually. "

Sirius eyed the steps to the boys' dormitory before turning back to her. "I know James wouldn't care."

"He'll be exhausted, it's nearly morning."

"And you haven't been up all night?" Sirius shot back.

Marlene wasn't sure why she wanted him to let her do this, or how he'd guessed that she'd been up all night. But she did know that she felt the need to take care of him, she needed to know for herself that he was going to be alright.

Marlene decided not to respond to his question and just started healing the long scratch along his leg. "Did you at least have a good walk until you scared this wolf?"

Sirius sighed and laid his head back as he felt his leg stop throbbing. "Yeah, I like being out at night."

"I didn't see you leave," Marlene conjured a towel and dampened it, pressing it against the blood that had seeped through his shirt sleeve.

"I've been out since dinner. I like to walk." Sirius kept his eyes closed and didn't look at her. Marlene wondered if maybe he was in more pain than he was willing to admit with her.

"Did he get your back?" Marlene asked as she healed his arm.

Sirius' eyes shot open and he shot upright, "What do you mean?" He looked panicked and his voice was strangled.

"The wolf," Marlene put a soothing hand on his forehead to check for a fever, worried his panic was delirium induced. "Did the wolf attack your back too?"

Sirius fell back into the couch and took a deep breath. "No, I don't think he did."

He didn't have a fever, but his actions echoed his exhaustion. "Let me take a look, just to be sure, and then I'll help you into your bed." Marlene ran the damp towel over his forehead and down each of his cheeks.

Sirius groaned as he sat up and pulled his shirt over his head, "Alright, Dr. McKinnon."

Marlene chuckled at the name and ran her wand over the bruising on his back. "Does anywhere else hurt?"

"Nah," he shook his head and pulled himself up off the couch, "You coming?"

Marlene eyed him. Sirius still looked exhausted, but he seemed much more himself all of the sudden. That aside, she'd said she'd help him to bed, and so she stood and nodded.

Sirius pulled her against him as they walked up the stairs, nuzzling her hairline.

"Thanks for all this," he led her into his dark room, devoid of sounds as his friends slept on.

"Of course," Marlene started to turn to leave when he pulled her down onto his bed with him.

"You need to sleep too. I know you haven't gone to bed tonight."

"And how are you so sure I'm just not up early?" Marlene shot back.

"Don't lie to me, Marls, just come here and stop running yourself ragged." He lay flat and gave her arm a firm tug and Marlene knew she wouldn't get out of this without waking James and Remus and Peter in the process.

"You win," she curled up next to him and let him wrap his arm around her, pulling her into him.

"When it comes to you, that's one of my favorite things." Sirius chuckled.

Marlene gave a quiet laugh, and looked out the window at the full moon fading into the dawn. In that moment, wrapped in Sirius’ arms, she realized that her melancholy was fading away. It looked like helping Sirius was exactly what she needed this time around to get out of it. Marlene figured she'd wait till Sirius fell asleep before sneaking out and making it to breakfast, but when she closed her eyes, she fell fast asleep, not waking until well past noon, Sirius' arms still tightly wrapped around her.


	24. All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From a text post that black-kinnon put up. It was too sweet not to write a story for!   
> https://black-kinnon.tumblr.com/post/184318156254/sirius-talking-about-marlene-and-him-were-just

"Black," Marlene approached Sirius as he sat at lunch with his mates.

"Wotcher, McKinnon."

She rolled her eyes at him, "Tonight?"

Black deliberately didn't look at Remus, who even in his state had perked up enough to watch him.

"I haven't finished Minnie's essay. If I do get it done, I'll show up."

She shrugged, "If you need help let me know."

"Thanks," he gave her a smile and for a second it looked like she was going to reach for him. She didn't, but she smiled at him all the same.

"See you in Charms," and she walked out of the Great Hall.

"Have you admitted you're dating yet?" Peter asked once Marlene was out of earshot.

Sirius shook his head, "We're just friends."

James spit out his juice on Peter, "Are you joking? You look at her like she's your entire world!"

Sirius laughed as Peter glared at James, wiping himself off with his napkin.

"My entire world is right here, lads." Sirius pointed his fork at the three of them.

"She feels the same way," Remus chimed in quietly as he slumped back against the table. "You're both pretty obvious."

"Which is why the whole school thinks your dating," Peter added throwing his wet napkin at James.

"Only because you confirm it every chance you get," Sirius growled.

"Only because it's true," Peter shot back and smirked at him until James through the napkin back with the force he'd use on a Quaffle.

Sirius decided to use the distraction to change the subject.

"What's the plan for tonight?"

"Same as always," James shrugged.

"Good," Sirius stood and grabbed his bag. "I have an essay to finish. See you in Charms."

"I thought you already finished it," James called after him.

Sirius pretended he hadn't heard. If he was quick he could catch her. She always stopped by her dorm after lunch.

He walked quickly through the castle and into the common room before levitating himself up the girls' stairs, winking at a first-year boy who gawked at him.

Sirius opened Marlene's door just as she was reaching for it.

"I thought you were going to stand me up," Marlene grinned before wrapping her arms around his neck.

"The lads were being idiots," Sirius brought his lips to her neck and his hands to her waist.

"How so?" Marlene sighed and stepped back, guiding him to her bed.

"Completely unimportant right now," Sirius smirked before pressing her back onto her bed.

"Are you really not done with Minnie's essay?" She ran her black nails into his hair and Sirius groaned.

"Maybe it wasn't Minnie's essay, maybe it was Sluggy's. I know I'm not done with something." Sirius busied himself with getting Marlene's mind far away from what he'd be doing that night.

"As long as I'm one of those somethings," she sighed as his hands moved over her chest.

"Don't worry, Marls," he kissed behind her ear, making her shiver against him, "I'm not sure I'll ever be done with you."

He'd never admit it out loud, but James was right, Marlene was his entire world. And he hoped Remus was right, because he couldn't live with the idea that he wasn't hers too.


	25. Inveigle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back in January I wrote a drabble (https://matrixaffiliate.tumblr.com/post/181954904111/senpiecakesperson-a-you-have-a-sweet-lookin) from this post by @senpicakes on Tumblr (https://senpiecakes.tumblr.com/post/177683752225/person-a-you-have-a-sweet-lookin-ass-person-b) and decided to make into something more. :)

Sirius wasn't sure about any of it if he was honest. He couldn't really answer the lads when they asked what was going on between him and Marlene because hell if he knew.

Marlene and he were... friends? No, they didn't hang out unless they were shagging. But they weren't one and done either. They'd been keeping it up for a month now, which with both their reputations was longer than normal. Sirius didn't know how to handle that, but he kept finding reasons to keep things going between them and his excuses were plentiful. He wasn't bored yet. He was waiting for her to call it off. She was a good shag. No one else interested him right now. They already knew each other. And he ...

He'd never admit it out loud but he liked being around her...he, well he...maybe he liked her? Maybe...

The problem with that was he had no idea how to know what Marls thought of their situation. So being a nearly seventeen-year-old adolescent, Sirius resorted to goading her to try and get her to... Well, he wasn't sure what he wanted her to do, but he wanted her to do something!

He'd been at it a couple of weeks and it had quickly evolved into some sort of twisted game. Sirius would make crass comments every time she walked by just to see what she would do. It took a lot to get Marlene to crack. And if he was being honest, he kind of loved that the more profane he was the less likely she was to react. She always flipped him off, but most of the time she never even looked at him.

He'd just made some obscene comment as she walked by in the common room when Peter spoke up from behind his magazine.

"You catch more flies with honey than vinegar, you know."

Sirius laughed easily, but his heart rate picked up. "I'm not trying to catch anything, Pete."

"Sure you aren't," Peter rolled his eyes. "Merlin, you and James are pathetic."

"Aw, you know you love us, Wormy."

Sirius gave Peter's shoulder a shove, mostly because he needed to diffuse the tension building in him. Pete always saw through them, and sometimes, like now, it was unnerving. Peter whacked him with his magazine and Sirius chuckled before holding up his hands.

"Really Pete, I'm just going for a reaction here. She hears everything I say to her, but she doesn't ever respond."

"I'm telling you, Pads," Peter went back to his magazine again, "honey is the trick."

Sirius rolled his eyes, "Fine if you'll lay off me, I'll give it a go."

Peter just smirked and Sirius briefly considered pummeling him with his stupid magazine.

But Marlene walked back down the dorm stairs into the common room and Sirius found himself otherwise distracted.

"You have a sweet looking ass, McKinnon," Sirius commented as she passed.

For the first time since he started this twisted game, Marlene actually turned to look at him. "What was that, Black?"

Her face was hard to read but Sirius was intrigued that she'd actually reacted this time. So he took it a step further. "You've got some pretty amazing eyes."

A soft smile started to touch Marlene's face and Sirius was caught off guard by what it did to him. Marlene was sexy, he knew that intimately, but for a moment, she was breathtakingly beautiful.

"I liked the first one better," she said quietly, almost shyly.

"You busy?" The words escaped his lips before he really thought them through.

Marlene's smile was still soft as she answered, "Give me a half hour to get the books I need from the library. I'll meet you in your dorm."

She winked at him and walked out the portrait hole.

"Told you," Peter didn't even bother to look up from his magazine as he took the piss.

"Shut up, Wormtail," Sirius muttered as stood and headed up to their dorm to wait for Marlene. He had no idea what had just happened, but he definitely knew something was different, and he kind of liked it.

He especially liked it when Marly made it back to his dorm in fifteen minutes rather than thirty.

"We're you that desperate to see me?" Sirius smirked when he looked up as she'd entered.

Marlene rolled her eyes, her sarcastic front falling back into place. "I didn't have to wait for Madame Pince."

Sirius stood from his bed and pulled her into him, "I'm not complaining, Marly."

Her arms slid around him and for a moment they just held each other. It was a strange feeling, a good one Sirius finally decided, but strange to be held in this way. It felt very different than when Mia held him when he showed up on her porch after he ran away, but it also felt familiar. Like it was where he was supposed to be.

"You really do have some pretty amazing eyes," he whispered against her.

"They're not as nice as yours."

Sirius frowned. "Let me say nice things about you."

"I'm not stopping you," Marlene looked up at him in confusion.

Sirius shook his head, "You're disagreeing with me."

She bit her lip and looked down, "What am I supposed to say when you say something like that?"

"Maybe, thanks," Sirius didn't know why it was so important to him that she accept his compliments, but it was. He didn't find many people worth complimenting.

She licked her lips before looking back up at him. "Alright," then she pushed up to touch his lips as she whispered, "thanks."

He was pathetic really because his response was far more passionate than it should have been as he pressed himself against her and brought one of his hands into her hair. But Sirius couldn't be damned to care at that moment. Something had shifted between them, something was better, and while part of him was terrified, the larger part of him wanted more. More of that soft smile, more of her lips on his, more of telling her that she was amazing, more of her.

Sirius had been right that things had changed; for the first time since they started this... whatever it was...they actually started spending time together not shagging, and while he wasn't willing to say anything out loud, Sirius loved it. He loved making Marls laugh as much as he loved making her scream. He loved pulling that soft smile from her as much as he loved making her sigh out his name. He loved telling her that he loved her eyes, her laugh, her sense of humor. And while it would be ages before he would realize it and longer still before he'd be willing to say it out loud, Sirius was starting to love Marlene.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on my FFN account on 4-19-18.


End file.
